At the office

[amtronic]

Why do women take half a donut or bagel or roll? "Oh, I can't eat a whole one," they whine. Bullshit. I've seen you eat three creme-filled pastries all by yourself, licking crumbs off the back of your hand like a fox eating henhouse eggs. But no, in the presence of others you take and choose one, slice it in half, and pinch off pieces to eat like you're feeding a baby bird. Later on you'll sneak back in and devour the other half that was left, because nobody wants to touch a mangled piece that looks like it bounced off the floor. Then you'll eat another pastry if there are any left, or you'll pick and eat every crumb left in the box. Get walked in on by someone, and you are "cleaning up". JUST EAT THE GODDAMN DONUT, you bitch!

The best entertainment is for two women to be in the break room where the leftovers are, playing Chicken for who will give up and leave first. I've seen them spend a half hour in there, piddling around, "cleaning", making small talk, each eyeing the spoils of war. Later on the looser will be heard bitching about the winner, usually at the copier.

If there are two guys, one might say, "Hey bro, wanna split a bagel? Sure dude. What kind ya want? I don't care, whatever you want." Two girls, and its fucking more detailed than Iranian nuclear disarmament negotiations. "Would you like to share a bagel? Why yes I would, I can't eat a whole one myself (see above). How about poppy seed? Oh no, not poppy seed, I can't stand those seeds in my teeth. Besides, poppy seeds will make you fail a drug test with a false positive...."

What The Holy Fuck? It's not like you are maintaining a $400 a day heroin habit on a secretary's pay! "How about onion? Oh no, onion gives me gas...". And on, and on. Finally, the one that does the slicing always -ALWAYS- gives the big half to the other, then makes gossip about her eating habits for the rest of the day.



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