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  #31  
Old 07-10-2009, 11:26 PM
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  #32  
Old 07-10-2009, 11:27 PM
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  #33  
Old 08-08-2009, 01:13 AM
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Default How to poop at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at
work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a
whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use
of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or
her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WATER SPOUT
A situation in which the waste that has just been
deployed forces the water in which it was submerged,
is force back onto the rectum of the pooping worker.
Such a situation can be prevented with a CATCHER'S MIT

CATCHER'S MIT
The process in which the pooper, prior to deploying
his waste, lays down a primary bunch of toilet paper
in order to prevent a Water Spout. As the waste hits
the floating toilet paper, it is met with a soft
cushion that does not disturb \n the water.
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  #34  
Old 08-08-2009, 02:33 AM
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^^^ fucking LoL's at all of these.... funny stuff man
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  #35  
Old 08-08-2009, 08:51 AM
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lmfao - is all i have to say. amazing
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  #36  
Old 08-08-2009, 03:54 PM
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whoever wrote these is a genius


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  #37  
Old 08-09-2009, 12:19 AM
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u should get a poop log if u like poop. u can rate ur own poop and come back to it to see how ur progressing..
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  #38  
Old 08-09-2009, 10:58 AM
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  #39  
Old 08-09-2009, 11:29 AM
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Why does poop stink?
Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur- or nitrogen-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.

Why is poop brown?
The color comes mainly from bilirubin, a pigment that arises from the breakdown of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. The actual metabolic pathway of bilirubin and its byproducts in the body is very complicated, so we will simply say that a lot of it ends up in the intestine, where it is further modified by bacterial action. But the color itself comes from iron. Iron in hemoglobin in red blood cells gives blood its red color, and iron in the waste product bilirubin gives rise to its brown color.

Can you get sick from eating poop?
Yes, you can definitely get sick from eating poop, even in minute quantities! Although urine emerges sterile from the body (unless the person has an infection), poop emerges loaded with bacteria and sometimes other life forms. Many diseases, including food poisoning, cholera and typhus, are spread by fecal contamination. Many parasites, such as the notorious tapeworm, can be spread through deliberate or accidental ingestion of poop.
There are some parasites, such as pinworms, who depend on people eating their own poop to keep the population up. Pinworms are small nematodes that live in the colon. The females emerge from the anus at night to lay their eggs. Their activity makes the anal area itch. The person scratches the itch (often doing so in his sleep), procuring a small amount of fecal matter and eggs under his fingernails, and then puts his fingers in his mouth. Once the eggs are consumed, the person is infected with a new generation of pinworms.
I have read that almost everyone has pinworms. Luckily, pinworms don't do much harm. You only notice them if you have a lot of pinworms! If you want to find out if you do indeed have them, get someone to gently touch around your anal area with Scotch tape while you are sleeping. The worms will stick to the tape and you'll be able to see them.

Do most people wipe their left-over poop standing up or while sitting on the pot, and are there gender differences?
This isn't really scientific, but I did a quick survey, and everyone asked (including both males and females) said that they wipe sitting down. (Marko wrote to ask, "Am I the only person who wipes standing up? Surely not...") There was even a reason provided: that sitting down spreads the cheeks apart and makes access easier. This survey was done on Guam, and Guam is technically part of the United States, and most people here probably use American toilet habits. However, if you travel a bit, you will discover that people deal with left-over poop in different ways in other parts of the world.
In Europe, for example, that water fountain in the bathroom isn't for drinking. It's a bidet for hosing off after using the toilet.
In Southeast Asia, you don't sit on the toilet at all. The toilet is a low, porcelain-lined trench, and the user squats over it. Next to the toilet is a bin of water. You scoop water out of the bin with your left hand and use that to cleanse yourself. You aren't supposed to use your left hand for any other purpose.

How come when you eat corn, no matter how much you chew it, you poop it out in whole kernals?
Corn poop is one of the greatest mysteries in life. I grew up pondering the same question. This is what I think is happening:
When we chew corn, the outer coating slips off the inner kernal. This outer yellow coating is almost entirely cellulose, and is indigestible. It passes through the gut untouched, and emerges looking like a whole kernal, although it is mostly just the outer skin. The inside of the kernal is starchy and digestible, and that is the part that we succeed in chewing up.

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