Random Joke Thread

[flyingburrito]

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?


Wait for it....................


The taste.

[Bam-Bam]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

[Bam-Bam]

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[Bam-Bam]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

[JLE1020]

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that
her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She
rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the
case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room
to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm
afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of
his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable.
However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills
or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to
prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper
him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course,
these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The
doctor continues:

"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis,
as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will
engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you
must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and
beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on
the shoulder, and says,

"Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead."

[JLE1020]

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of
them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the
monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains
for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. " What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked."

[JLE1020]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.

He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows
older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

[daveyeti]

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of course it's not too soon. Jeez - if they wait any longer it's going to be really nasty.

[daveyeti]

Jeffrey Dahmer is walking through the woods at night with a little boy.

The little boy says, "Gosh, these dark woods sure are scary."

Dahmer replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back to the car alone"

[Shasturbator]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And help me be careful of the toes I step on today. As they may be attached to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday and
5% on Fridays.

Help me to remember...When I'm having a really bad day & it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!