Random Joke Thread

[el_victorino]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why such a long face?"

Horse says "Bone cancer."

[Stantz]

A young couple out on a moonlight stroll were suddenly overcome with passion and started screwing up against a fence. Such was the vigour of their ministrations that the fence suddenly gave way. In for a penny, they continued fucking up until the owner of the fence came out of his house, torch in one hand, shotgun in the other. Once he saw what had caused the damage, he lowered the shotgun.

"That's a new fence you bastards. I'll want money for that"

The young man looked down at his partner

"How about we go halves?"

"You fuck off. I was pushing the other way"

[TheJuice]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line
When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!'

says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?'

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

[The Godfather]

A man runs into a bar & tells the bartender.. "Give me a shot of your best whiskey...NOW!"
The bartender pours a shot of the most expensive whiskey in the house..the man gulps it down & says "Give me another!!!"
The bartender pours another. This goes on 10 more times...finally the bartender speaks up:

Bartender: "Hey, slow down buddy, it can't be that bad."
Man: "If you had what I had, you'd be drinking like this too!"
Bartender: "Well....what do you have?!"
Man: One dollar!!

[Bam-Bam]

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass."

[nzdawghaus]

A man is in recovery after eye surgery. The surgeon comes in and asks, "Would you like the good news or bad news first?"

"I'll take the good news first," says the man.

The surgeon replies, "Well, you're about to get a new dog!"

---
An old man and a little boy are walking in the woods after dark. The kid says to the man "Mister, these woods sure are scary."

The man replies "You think you're scared? I've got to walk out of here by myself."

[Stantz]

Guy is sitting in his doctor's office awaiting some test result. The doctor walks in with a folder in his hand a a solemn expression on his face

"Well doc," he asks "what's the diagnosis?"

The doctor sits down at his desk

"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. What do you want first?"

The man takes a deep breath and asks for the good news.

"Well, they're going to name a disease after you"

[nzdawghaus]

What's the only animal with an asshole on it's back?

A police horse.

----------------

A driver gets pulled over rolling past a stop sign. The police officer asks for their license and registration. The driver complains, "I slowed down didn't I?"

"Well the sign says STOP" said the cop.

"This is crazy" the driver replied.

The officer then opens the door and pulls the driver out. He starts wailing on the driver with a baton. He asks the driver, "Now, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"