Random Joke Thread

[MrGoutHimself]

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Fucking classic, Nook. Rep when I can.

A LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he
turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."



The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming ,
universal health care , or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.



"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"



The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."



To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you
don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Stantz]

How many Nuns does it take to tile a roof?
Depends how thinly you slice them

[MrGoutHimself]

Little boy is playing in his mother's closet when he hears someone come into the room. A few minutes later, there's a car pulling up in the driveway and suddenly the boy is not alone anymore in the closet. After a moment of silence, the boy says "it's dark in here." The shadow replies in a man's voice "yeah." The boy says "I got a baseball, wanna buy it?" The man asks how much and the kid says $40. The man refuses, but the boy threatens to scream. The man buys the baseball.

A few days later, the little boy is playing in his mother's closet when he hears someone come into the room. A few minutes later, there's a car pulling up in the driveway and suddenly the boy is not alone anymore in the closet. After a moment of silence, the boy says "it's dark in here." The shadow replies in a man's voice "yeah." The boy says "I got a ball bat, wanna buy it?" The man asks how much and the kid says $60. The man refuses, but the boy threatens to scream. The man buys the bat.

A few days later, the boy's father tells him to get his ball and bat and they'll go play ball. The kid admits he sold the ball and bat, but doesn't say to whom. When the father finds out he made $100 on the two items, he drags the kid immediately down to the church to confess his sins.

The kid goes into the confession booth and the window slides open. The kid says "it's dark in here." The voice from other side of the screen replies "you're in my closet now kid, don't start that shit."

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he ate pizza before it was cool. Waka waka!

[chrisnc]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don't matter, the fuckers not gonna come.

[NookieJunkie]

I wonder if African kids say, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a Horsefly!"


That awkward silence when president Obama is refused credit for a new sofa in DFS!
(too soon?)


You know your girlfriend is rough when you ask for a blow job and she replies
" not tonight I'm tired, just wank into a cup and I'll drink it in the morning"


A man gets up in the morning and looks shit. Everywhere he goes people ask "Are you ok?", he feels amazing though.
He goes to the doctor and says "Doctor help me, I feel amazing but I look horrible."
The doctor opens a book and scrolls through to a certain page.
"Here we go! Feels amazing, looks horrible, you must be a vagina!"

[NookieJunkie]

My wife wasnt happy when I announced I was going to be leaving to follow my dream.
Or "Tanya from next door" as she is also known.


Statistically, you're more likely to die while on your computer tha


The whole 'slut' double-standard thing really annoys me.
If a woman sleeps with a load of guys, she's a slut, but if a man goes out and does the same thing, all of a sudden he's 'gay'.

[NookieJunkie]

After recent bouts of nausea I went to the doctor.
"Its simple" he said "stop eating things that disagree with you".

So, no more oral sex for the wife then.


My wife just walked in on me with my cock poking through the middle of one of the kids dvd's.
Shocked she asked, "What the fuck are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm sorry love, I've fucked Up."


So I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then with a colossal *pop* ... it goes dark.
My wife shouted, "Darling, are you alright? We've had a powercut!"
I replied: "Thank fuck for that, I thought my eyes had exploded!"

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."