Random Joke Thread

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ive heard that somewhere before.....

[Beer]

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I just saw it on Twitter
it sounded familiar. is it an old joke?

[ThatHaole]

[el_victorino]

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Bad enough the first time

[MrGoutHimself]

This is the text of the vanity card from last night's Big Bang Theory, which included a smoking monkey. I see a veiled jab at Charlie Sheen in this for some reason...

"CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #341

Dear Concerned Viewers,

Thanks to the magic of computer graphics, the monkey in tonight's episode was not actually smoking a cigarette, nor was he ever exposed to secondhand smoke. At all times, every effort was made to make the monkey feel happy and safe. Nevertheless, he proved impossible to work with. During the week of production his behavior became increasingly erratic, to the point of refusing to come out of his trailer to rehearse. It wasn't until after we finished filming his scenes that we learned why. The monkey is a heroin addict. Yes, hard as it may be to believe, the monkey had a monkey on his back. Thankfully, an intervention was staged by the Geico lizard and he is now going through detox and a twelve step program at the Bonzo Center in Palm Springs. Everyone at The Big Bang Theory wishes him well."

[Wood Dragon]

I got a pre-declined Credit card in the mail today

I ordered a combo meal at Burger King and the guy behind the counter asked, "can you afford fries with that?

If the bank returns your check Non sufficient funds, you have to call now and ask if they meant you, or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are now trading higher than GM

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their Nannies and learned their children's names

A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting

Motel 6 wont leave the lights on for ya anymore

The Mafia is laying off Judges

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

and last but not least;

I got so depressed thinking about the economy that I called a suicide hotline and got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!

[Eccles]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking... And then I saw her face.

[rockdude82]

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and you're now a believer? Not a trace of doubt in your mind?


yay look at me, I know the lyrics to a song.....

[Magnusrex]

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She's not in love, she's gonna leave ya', you could'nt keep her if you tried.

look i can re-write the lyrics

[NookieJunkie]

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I AM the Sleeping Lion...step into my jungle, asseblief!! (ass a bleef) (bleef like mexicano for spleef)