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#41
05-31-2008, 10:59 AM
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Last one, I swear.
Jeffrey Goines: Telephone call? Telephone call? That's communication with the outside world. Doctor's *discretion*. Nuh-uh. Look, hey - all of these nuts could just make phone calls, they could spread insanity, oozing through telephone cables, oozing into the ears of all these poor sane people, infecting them. Wackos everywhere, plague of madness.
Jeffrey Goines: ...and if you forget one thing, I will have you shaved, sterilized, and destroyed! James Cole: Look at them. They're just asking for it. Maybe the human race deserves to be wiped out. Jeffrey Goines: Wiping out the human race? That's a great idea. That's great. But more of a long-term thing. I mean, first we have to focus on more immediate goals. Jeffrey Goines: Sorry. Uh, sorry. I, I, I got a little agitated. The thought of, uh, escape had crossed my mind, and then suddenly - suddenly - suddenly I felt like bending the fucking bars back, and ripping out the goddamn window frames and eating them - yes, *eating* them! Leaping, leaping, leaping! Colonics for everyone! All right! You dumbasses. I'm a mental patient. I'm *supposed* to act out! Wait'll you morons find out who I am! My father's gonna be really upset, and when my father gets upset, the ground SHAKES! My father is God! I worship my father! Jeffrey Goines: You are a total nutcase, completely deranged, delusional, paranoid. Your thought process is all fucked up. Your information train is jammed, man! Jeffrey Goines: There's the television. It's all right there - all right there. Look, listen, kneel, pray. Commercials! We're not productive anymore. We don't make things anymore. It's all automated. What are we *for* then? We're consumers, Jim. Yeah. Okay, okay. Buy a lot of stuff, you're a good citizen. But if you don't buy a lot of stuff, if you don't, what are you then, I ask you? What? Mentally *ill*. Fact, Jim, fact - if you don't buy things - toilet paper, new cars, computerized yo-yos, electrically-operated sexual devices, stereo systems with brain-implanted headphones, screwdrivers with miniature built-in radar devices, voice-activated computers... Jeffrey Goines: You know what crazy is? Crazy is majority rules. Take germs, for example. James Cole: Germs? Jeffrey Goines: Uh-huh. In the eighteenth century, no such thing, nada, nothing. No one ever imagined such a thing. No sane person, anyway. Ah! Ah! Along comes this doctor, uh, uh, uh, Semmelweis, Semmelweis. Semmelweis comes along. He's trying to convince people, well, other doctors mainly, that's there's these teeny tiny invisible bad things called germs that get into your body and make you sick. Ah? He's trying to get doctors to wash their hands. What is this guy? Crazy? Teeny, tiny, invisible? What do you call it? Uh-uh, germs? Huh? What? Now, cut to the 20th century. Last week, as a matter of fact, before I got dragged into this hellhole. I go in to order a burger in this fast food joint, and the guy drops it on the floor. Jim, he picks it up, he wipes it off, he hands it to me like it's all OK. "What about the germs?" I say. He says, "I don't believe in germs. Germs is just a plot they made up so they can sell you disinfectants and soaps." Now he's crazy, right? See? Ah! Ah! There's no right, there's no wrong, there's only popular opinion.
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I no longer had any use for the porn on my computer. The antidepressants I was on had all but killed my sexual urges. Some might’ve considered this a negative side effect but I was glad to be free of carnal lust. It was difficult to talk to a woman when all you could think about was her delicate proboscis, slender thorax, and perfectly formed egg sac. 
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#42
05-31-2008, 12:07 PM
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"Dave: I have various responsibilities within the crew. I'm kind of a jack-of-all-trades, really. I, one time, manned a flamethrower.
High School Girl: Cool. Dave: Of course it's cool. It's awesome as shit."
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And everything's over when your grandma walks in, "get that dick outta the fish tank! Time for supper!" 
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#43
06-14-2008, 09:23 PM
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Louis: "Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. "
- Jacob's Ladder
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~ Pog mo thoin! ~  Last edited by Bam-Bam : 06-14-2008 at 09:27 PM.
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#44
06-14-2008, 09:31 PM
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Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?
Ash - Army of Darkness
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~ Pog mo thoin! ~
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#45
06-14-2008, 10:17 PM
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Clerks
Randal Graves: People dictate their own behavior.
----- Dante Hicks: You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up, you get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse, and then to top it off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
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#46
06-14-2008, 10:18 PM
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Clerks
Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
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#47
06-14-2008, 10:24 PM
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Anchorman
Brian Fantana: [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet] Ron Burgundy: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight. Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good. Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent. Brian Fantana: Oh yeah. Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way. Brian Fantana: Yep. Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline. Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time. [cheesy grin] Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense. Brian Fantana: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr. [snarls]
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#48
06-14-2008, 10:27 PM
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Talladega Nights
Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!
Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass! Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head! Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah! Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat! Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys! Ricky Bobby: Come on! Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass! Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey! Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on! Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man. Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk! Chip: What is wrong with you? Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
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#49
06-15-2008, 01:37 PM
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Bad Santa (too may good quotes from this oes, just watch the whole thig :D)
Sue: I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like
some deep-seeded childhood thing. Willie: So is my thing for tits. -------------------------- Kid: Your beard's not real. Willie: No Shit!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out. Kid: How come? Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean. Kid: Mrs. Santa? Willie: No it was her sister. ----------------------------- Gin: Look here, get himy outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something. Marcus: What do you mean, get him outta here? Gin: Take him to the car. Marcus: In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand hmm? Gin: That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You're all the same. Marcus: Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh? Gin: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch! Marcus: Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci. Gin: What'd you call me thigh-high? Marcus: I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead! Gin: I could stick you up my ass, small fry. Marcus: Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night? Gin: You got some lip on you midget. Marcus: yeah? Well these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? Asshole! ---------- Kid: Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids? Willie: No, thank the fuck Christ. Kid: What about the elves? Willie: Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends.
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#50
06-15-2008, 05:08 PM
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"I was going down on a chick who was 7 months pregnant when unexpectedly her unborn baby's tiny hand reached out and grabbed my face!" 
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