Random Joke Thread

[DSF Guest 8]

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

[mathiaswvu]

One day little johnny was in class when his teacher announced every friday she would ask a question and whom ever answered it correctly wouldn't have to come to school on monday.
The first friday came along, and she asked "How many gallons of water is there in the world?" No one knew. So little johnny decided to wait until next friday, so he could get it right.
The second friday came along, and the teacher asked, how many grains of sand is there in the whole world? No one knew. Johnny was getting angry, because he really didn't want to go to school on Monday. So when the third friday came along johnny decided to paint to ping-pong balls black and put them in a paper bag.
Right before the teacher asked the question, he opened his bag and rolled the ping-pong balls at her feet. The teacher exclaimed, "OK who's the comedian with the black balls?" "Bill Cosby" johnny said, "See ya Tuesday!"

[Shasturbator]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes,Father, Tis I."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now."

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Brydie Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed Father."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, TommyShaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?" Tommy replied, "Three month's vacation and five goodleads."

[Shasturbator]

Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot over-time,was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning."My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly. "Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"

[Shasturbator]

4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.

Moral of this story???
As long as you drink, smoke, and screw, you won't get worms.

[hithiphop.com]

What do you call a fagget with a 16 inch penis?

A pain in the ass..

[DSF Guest 8]

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

[DSF Guest 8]

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTH CONTROL

[Shasturbator]

Mr. Coen: Hi, Jim Marshall please?
Mr. Marshall: Speaking, who's this?
Mr. Coen: Hey Jim! It's Arthur, Arthur Coen!
Mr. Marshall: Arthur Coen?
Mr. Coen: Remember? The Tapersville Terrible Tarantulas? The bleachers? Must have been, gee whiz, like, 40 years ago.
Mr. Marshall: Terrible Tarantu... ART! Hey, Art, how the hell are you? God, I haven't heard from you since those Little League games!
Mr. Coen: I'm great, I'm great! Liz and I finally decided to come to Florida after a while, life's been great! How've you been? How's your boy, Billy?
Mr. Marshall: Oh, good, good. Still here in Tapersville, though, Alice and I found a nice retirement community. Just taking it easy. And Billy's good. He's doing insurance sales in Parkston, two towns over.
Mr. Coen: Oh I see, I see. Guess that amazing pitching arm of his didn't play out very well, huh?
Mr. Marshall: No, it didn't. He kept playing through high school and into college, but ended up breaking his arm in some fraternity prank. His aim was never the same after that.
Mr. Coen: Oh, wow, that's a shame.
Mr. Marshall: Yeah, he took it pretty hard. He kept trying for a while. We put a lot of time and money into his physical therapy, but it didn't pan out very-
Mr. Coen: Hey, did you watch the Oscars last night?
Mr. Marshall: Excuse me?
Mr. Coen: The Oscars? Did you watch them?
Mr. Marshall: Oh, right. I was able to catch the very end of them...
Mr. Coen: Oh, good! So you saw those two "queer ass camera nerds that are someone's crap excuses for sons", then?
Mr. Marshall: Huh?
Mr. Coen: You know, the two brothers who won two Oscars last night, for Best Director and Best Overall Picture?
Mr. Marshall: I.. yeah, I saw someone accepting something for a movie, uh, "No Old Country" or something...
Mr. Coen: Oh yes, "No Country for Old Men", that took in $1,226,333 in its opening weekend and $58,263,567 overall, to date.
Mr. Marshall: Yeah. Listen, Arthur, I know what this-
Mr. Coen: "No Country for Old Men". God, what a landmark film. Especially from two "bratty, whiny sops who can't play baseball worth a damn".
Mr. Marshall: Arthur, I'm sorry, I've had a long time to reflect, and-
Mr. Coen: So how's the rest of Tapersville been? I haven't been around in a while, I think I might come back and have my sons buy everything.
Mr. Marshall: Arthur-
Mr. Coen: But hey, enough about my boys, let's talk about Billy! Insurance sales, huh? Still working off those physical therapy payments?
Mr. Marshall: Sob...
Mr. Coen: Weird how life turns out, huh, friendo?

[DSF Guest 8]

A couple, both well into their '80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." They pay his $50 bill and leave.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"