Random Joke Thread

[Shasturbator]

Old people enjoy pets. Get your pet one

[Shasturbator]

This drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel. The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service", states the drunk. The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table. When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies,"Give it time, lady, give it time."

[Shasturbator]

ONE-POINT DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good
morning' to you.

3) Phone someone in the office you barely know,
leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your
hands over your ears and grimace.

5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone
points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically
every time the doors open.


THREE-POINT DARES


1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot
him with double-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then
ask, "Did you get all that,I don't want to have to repeat it."

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise
your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink
directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


FIVE POINT DARES


1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once,
it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while
they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you
"really have to go do a number two."

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad
Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair
into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness,I'll never go hungry again."

9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am
slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to
the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked
why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell
him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,
etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your
desk.

16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the
back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee
and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your
chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent
each meeting attendee,move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

[DSF Guest 8]

“This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun, and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun, we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah’ out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!”

-Clark Griswold

[DSF Guest 8]

Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills...nunchaku skills... bow-hunting skills...computer-hacking skills... "forum posting skills?"

-Napoleon

[Shasturbator]

Say "what" again! Say "what" again! I dare you, I double dare you, mother-fucker! Say "what" one more Goddamn time!

Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction)

[DSF Guest 8]

LOL. Even if noone reads this damn thread it keeps me amused

[Shasturbator]

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over." The doctor says, "That's impossible!"She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

[DSF Guest 8]

Oldie but a goodie!

[bdpeace]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

The bartender says, "what's with the steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies, "AARRRRRRGGGHHH....... It's drinvin' me nuts!" (this must be said quite loud in a pirate accent for it to work!)