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[mr.brownfella]

[ThatHaole]

[ThatHaole]

this guy is single-handedly responsible for the commercialization of your favorite bands, childhood television shows, and quirky indie movies. his other favorite shirts include such witty sayings as... "i saw your mom on myspace," "the voices in my head are telling you to shut up," and "can't sleep... the clowns will eat me!"



like most in his scene, he doesn?t know the first thing about politics aside from what his father brings to the dinner table. he has a strong stance against fascism, racism and sexism even though he has no idea what any of those terms truly mean. this punk firmly believes in anarchy, but this does not stop him from posting all day on the rupert-murdoch-owned myspace.com.



two years ago, he had blonde hair and an abercrombie-wardrobe, but that all changed the second he first heard my chemical romance playing on a random myspace page. from that moment on, his entire existence could be summed up with just three words: "i'm not okay."



you sir, are grizzled!

with a wardrobe that looks like it was donated to a thrift store by either crosby, stills or nash in 1971 and a beard that has its own zip code, this indie icon has a devout army of worshippers who follow his every whispered word.

the lethargic lo-fi lethario is known to lock himself in a cabin for months on end to craft minimalistic folksy songs. by the end of his self-imposed exile, all he has produced is a stream of hushed whispers with barely fingerpicked guitar strums. his musical works are recommended by doctors as a suitable alternative for ambien. in a matter of verses he could put down an army of mexican wrestlers hopped up on redbull.

one might say his songs give them the chills, but that is only because they passed out listening and forgot to get a blanket.

[ThatHaole]

she's the girl you see at all the "scene" shows, putting her chest piece prominently on display for all her super-indie (see: pop-punk) friends to admire. much like other scenesters, she is completely void of any originality and bases her identity off of whatever she sees everyone else doing.

she updates her livejournal on an hourly basis, making sure to keep everyone informed about her ever-evolving and always drama-filled relationships. speaking of boys, she only dates ones with the exact same taste in music, because in the end isn't that what matters most?

her jeans and cowboy shirts come directly from urban outfitters, but when asked she'll tell you she can't stand "that store." as for her hair color, it changes as quickly as her mood, and trust me, that's fast!

need to find her late at night? she'll more than likely be at the local underwear party- just look for the girl with the poorly thought-out nautical stars tattooed in all the right/wrong places!



he's prettier than your girlfriend, but don't let that limp wrist fool you- this guy gets more ass than a toilet! girls love guys who can swing microphones over their heads like a cowboy at a rodeo while holding his other arm out like a t-rex.

even though he's founded a "screamo" band with his christian friends from orlando, he thinks saetia is a skin disease and that neil perry played dylan on 90210.




For the most part, Crabcore is an offshoot of Christcore, with similar hairstyles, v-necks, tight pants and religious beliefs. It appears the only difference between the two (besides excessive vocoder usage, eurodance beats and unnecessary breakdowns every 30 seconds) is that followers of the crabcore persuasion will squat like a girl taking a piss in the woods during their power stances.

Much like the locomotion, macarena, watusi, cabbage patch, mashed potato, and even the urkel, the crabcore craze will be over sooner than it started. Ripped denim crotches everywhere are thankful.


his skin-tight jeans don't allow a lot of room for breathing, but his girly figure doesn't require much anyway.

[ThatHaole]

Looking something like a mix of Pocahontas and a tornado at a thrift store, the Apple Store Indie is your typical #fauxhemian. Masking her love for Steve Jobs products with whatever your blind grandma wore 40 years ago, she blends in seamlessly with the rest of her contemporaries at All Points West Festival.

Tweeting endlessly about nothing other than questions to a fake Ezra Koenig account, her main source of news is whatever happens to be a trending topic on twitter. Her iphone isn?t just a means to tell people what type of sandwich she is eating, she also uses it to cover Passion Pit?s ?Sleepyhead? using only app store instruments with her hipster friends.

Getting musical recommendations from last.fm or whatever Jenny Eliscu and Jake Fogelnest play on satellite radio, her entire ?scene? seems to only exist in digital format. The only physical music she owns are vinyl hand me downs that serve as decorative filler for her Ikea Billy bookshelf. She rarely if ever supports her local indie music scene unless it is someone spinning records (see: itunes playlist) at a scenester bar.

Unable to make sales of her diy junk through her etsy store, she has set up shop at a number of craft fairs across the tri state area. Unfortunately everyone else was selling the same trite octopus necklaces, owl earrings and onesies she slapped together. Upset with the lack of enthusiasm towards her creations, she will later blog about it to an audience of spambots.



Most kids who are serious about Metal / Hardcore wouldn?t be where they are without the works of bands such Black Flag, Bad Brains and Black Sabbath. Nowadays, the frontrunners of metalcore wouldn?t be where they are if Switchfoot, Five Iron Frenzy and DC Talk weren?t played at past bible camp retreats.

In recent years religion has made its presence felt in the metalcore scene moreso than ever before. In order to avoid this trend make sure to keep a tally while listening to current bands. If you hear the word ?he? more than ?she? then you are either a) listening to bear force one or b) you might be being taken advantage of by Jesus mind tricks. If you find yourself armed with a hair straightener and a wardrobe of v-neck shirts you must immediately listen to NOFX records for the next few hours to cleanse yourself from this form of audio hypnosis.

Hardcore wouldn?t be what it is without some sense of passion, but passion about some fictional zombie?



are you ?down with the clown?? his taste in music is about as painful to listen to as it is to get powerbombed off a bus by mike awesome (youtube it!), but the poor juggalo is too deluded to realize it.

he blindly follows two middle-aged, talentless hacks who like to play dress up- so he follows suit! buying into a merchandise empire bigger and more self-indulgent than that of hannah montana, the sad clown mindlessly purchases whatever icp sells? keychains, faygo soda, flags, purses, lighters, and athletic gear that will never be put to use. with his facepaint, lice-ridden goatee, coolio haircut, and outdated jnco jeans, the juggalo often finds employment at gas stations and carnivals.

he spends his minimum wages without a second thought at the annual gathering of the juggalos. this is the only place he can find true happiness amongst his brethren, whether it be at a psychopathic records concert lineup or a jcw wrestling event. just watch out for the broken light tubes and barbed wire.



here is ?a message to you rudy?- give it up! although most of his favorite bands have ditched their brass sections for screaming and tight pants, the ska kid holds true to his checkered past.

there are still two-tone armies skanking the night away, though, to the tune of washed-up bands all across the united states. gone are the days when ska bands lived the high life in big-name clubs. nowadays, the ska kids flock to sweaty vfw halls and teen centers.

the rude boy was never good at any sports, so instead he opted to join the marching band which, incidentally, led to the formation of his own group. the band enjoyed their biggest success at a recent high school battle of the bands, where they showcased their originality by covering the reel big fish cover of a-ha?s ?take on me?.

the majority of ska kid?s funds go towards the repair of his vespa, which he totalled after spilling his pez while speeding. someday the ska kid might be able to afford the fred perry and ben sherman gear he so covets, but for now the hawaiian shirts from goodwill will have to do.

this kid seems to have missed the memo about ska being dead; one can only assume he forgot to ?pick it up!?

[ThatHaole]

this bro has gone through every possible scene phase in the past few years, so he reverts back to hip hop- which he vaguely remembers being cool in fourth grade. signs of his previous flings with the "scene" are still apparent in his plugs, hidden tattoos and the swoop haircut that resides under his fitted cap.

inspired by icons such as pharrel and jay z, the faux hip-hopper runs his own urban streetwear line that mainly consists of googled images and all-over gold leaf printing. references to drugs, pop culture, and blatantly copyrighted images are a must.

he proudly displays his $800 bape hoodie which is, unbeknownst to him, a fake. his shop of choice is karmaloop.com, and frequently spends way more than he is worth on limited-edition nike dunks.

although he favors hip hop and lists his ethnicity as "of african descent" on myspace, he resides somewhere in portland and plays drums for a metalcore band. to make things worse, the faux hip-hop scenester doesn't know a single black person and fears for his life when one enters the room.



in a scene flooded with jet-black hair, piercings, and eyeliner, this spunky dude is a breath of fresh air. unfortunately for him, he looks just as silly as his contemporaries and appears to be suffering from an even worse identity crisis.

one could argue that he might be the male equivalent of rainbow brite. his wardrobe primarily consists of brightly-colored american apparel products. this might be acceptable and even cute for a teenage girl, but for a 20-something guy with hairy legs? this is a problem.

it doesn't stop there! he appears to be reliving his childhood; he embraces nostalgia in the form of retro video games, ninjas, robots, dinosaurs, 80's icons, and anything with a moog synthesizer.

despite his uber flamboyant appearance, his nostalgic tendencies, and his dedication to pop-punk prepackaged for preteens, he does have one masculine quality: a crush on paramore's lead singer, hayley williams.

sadly, she is nine years his junior.



this utterly useless scene queen is internet-famous for no apparent reason other than the fact that she looks like a clown and is as naive as she is colorful.

she claims that she invented fashion trends like stripes and becomes furious if anyone ?steals? her hairstyle or any of her other patented looks. making it a point to hunt down anyone who has a similar style and subsequently spending countless hours chastising others, she still can't help but wonder why she only has friends in the online world.

the scene queen boasts that she is buddybuddy with fellow myspace icon jeffree star, but outside of gender-bending 15 year-olds, who really cares?

like most "artsy" girls her age, she has dreams of being a fashion designer and attempts to pass off bedazzled trinkets from michaels as jewelry. all that she has truly mastered is the art of manipulating mindless fans into buying her cheap junk through endless blog postings.

do mommy and daddy really know what their little girl is up to when she really should be doing her homework?



this grizzled scene veteran often works in the music industry but he can?t stand anything associated with it. he tends to be apathetic toward anything and everything, with the exception of the recent hot water music reunion or his yearly excursion to the fest in florida.

he daydreams endlessly about moving to gainesville or richmond where he can participate in the scene firsthand, but for now he is stuck behind messageboards. this modern day lumberjack often aims to be "first!" on punknews.org and wishes death upon any band that seeks financial help after flipping their van.

while his fashion might not be as over-the-top as other scenesters, he's just as identifiable with his signature scraggly beard, cowboy shirt, jade tree alumni tattoos, and swamp-like smell.

bitter and beaten, his days of stage dives and high fives are long since over. the orgcore punker is left drowning his sorrows over chuck ragan singles and a case of pbr. recently, after being dumped, his sense of apathy reached a new high; he announced to his ex that he was going to get a sandwich.

[ThatHaole]

omg! new pix! new pix! new pix! plz comment! she's got 'em and she wants you to know. she won't be legal for another 3 or 4 years and she's well on her way to becoming one of the internet's most sought after pieces of jailbait. if only her parents knew what their little darling was doing in their master bathroom mirror!

she has 73,512+ friends on her account, and 98% of them are desperate men "just stoppin by to show some luv, holler back"

her musical tastes revolve around whatever is being forcefed to her through myspace that week. whether it's through spammed "thanks for the add!" comments or through advertisements, her favorite musicians are predetermined by whoever can afford to promote their songs on the social networking site.

if you can see beyond the glittery text and the 45 embedded youtube videos on her page, there's an insecure, attention-hungry girl in there- she just needs to learn to keep her clothes on.



the black metal knight is an odd, multifaceted creature; when he is not adorned in his elaborate band getup, he wears green sweatpants and arizona wolf tees.

this guy has dreams of one day relocating his band to norway, but in the meantime settles for his mom?s basement. he tries to make ends meet by working at the local comic book store, where he passes the time playing d&d and world of warcraft. with his career choice being unprofitable, he has suffered a series of financial setbacks that relate back to the upkeep of his image. two months worth of paychecks have gone towards having a frank frazetta clone paint his band?s cd cover. in addition, his stage getup has put him well over $800 in debt to the home depot and various bondage stores. if that wasn?t enough, medical bills have been piling up- the fearless knight suffered from a severe case of frostbite while filming a music video during a blizzard. regrettably, the aforementioned music video has enjoyed but 33 views on youtube to date.

the black metal knight recently suffered from perhaps the greatest embarrassment of all while onstage at the local dive bar. drunk past the point where he could comprehend his actions, the "kvlt" one accidentally applied his corpse makeup in a manner reminiscent of wcw?s sting. fortunately for him, his drummer was also inebriated and emerged as a passable gene simmons.

unlike his predecessors, he has never set a church on fire. he has, however, slipped and burnt his hair with his mom?s straightener.

[cmetz]

LMAO!!!! all of these people come to the parties i throw!!! some are cool, most are not

[The Godfather]

[maxbailey]