you play Guitar Hero naked... I play REAL guitar topless!
Join Date: May 2007
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 1,838
Credits: 14,103
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I don't have a girlfriend but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that!
My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
... Okay, I'll stop, but I could go on and on... I think I know almost all of his jokes.
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You know when I'm down to just my socks it's time for business that's why they call them business socks.
Got back from the ophthalmologist about 10:30 and my vision is still fraked up. I'm sitting in my basement office with the only light being that coming in through the glassblock window and still have to wear my sunglasses to keep my eyes from hurting.
There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 5,471
Credits: 31,749
Whoever recommended Bud Light Lime owes me two bucks. It's like they took Corona and decided to add the lime for you while removing the Corona flavor. This shit is for pussies who are too lazy to squeeze a lime into good beer.
My favorite Mitch quotes:
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt?
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SirLongFoot
There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting highly aroused by bacon goodness.
There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 5,471
Credits: 31,749
I had to Google "Mitch Hedberg" to find out who the hell this Mitch guy is. I don't know any of his work, but he OD'd so he's OK in my book. I want to try heroin so fucking bad.