How I went from being the Coolest Boy in school to the dumbest fucker
in the school. See if you can tell at what point it happened.
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Be me, in the 3rd grade.
Bring a double handful of Trojan condoms to school.
The ones wrapped in gold foil, like a roman coin.
Pass them out at recess to all my friends.
Everybody unwraps their prize.
I tell everybody they are balloons and to blow theirs up.
15 kids running around with giant blown-up rubbers.
Horrified teachers show up from everywhere wanting info.
15 small innocent children all point at me.
Teachers are pissed.
Principal is pissed.
Parents of 15 classmates are pissed.
Mother is pissed because I "embarrassed" her.
Father is pissed because he is now out of condoms.
I am pissed because now, every fucking class reunion,
I'm badgered to "Tell the condom story, tell the condom story."
So I just did.
This is a real fucking story. On me. I did it. For real. No shit.