Random Thoughts V5.0

[amtronic]

If I was a woman, I would have so many things up my vagina it would be like the junk drawer in the kitchen.

Can opener? Yeah, here.
Bicycle lock key? You want the one that works or the one you have to jiggle?
AA battery? I got one double A. Need any triple-A's?
Bed Bath Beyond coupon? Yeah, but this one's expired.
Wine bottle corks? Take your pick.
Corkscrew? Can't have it, that's my I.U.D. Use the one on the can opener.



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[MadamMeow]

^^^ Good idea in theory, but when you actually try it you end up loosing your grip and dropping everything on the floor repeatedly.

The 5 second rule for eating off the floor applies with this as well. You'll get a kidney infection otherwise.

But if you happen to also be one of those weirdo girls that think they get off on holding their pee in, then you're no stranger to kidney infections any way, then you don't have to care.

*takes the more you know graphic out of vag and inserts it here.*

[amtronic]

Today is daffy shit day. I get woke up at 5:30 AM by gunfire. Bang Bang, BangBangBang. call that shit in to 911. Answer a bunch of dope-ass questions about where its coming from, etc. Tell dispatcher that I DON'T KNOW, and I'm not going outside and walk up and down the street to find out for them.
Jump ahead 10 minutes two different deputies drive up with guns drawn at my house. Oh fuck I fucked up they're gonna SWAT me by mistake. Lucky they hear a bang bang and head down the street a couple of houses.
I get away from the windows to avoid stray shots.
They come back real quick, jump in their cars and blast off.
I find out later this morning it was my goofy as fuck Irish neighbor who decided to work on his stockade fence AT 5:30AM. He's out in his yard in his underwear hammering on his fucking fence AT 5:30AM.
Now he's pissed at me, my wife is pissed at me for waking her up, and I imagine there are two deputies pissed at me for interrupting their donut run.

Here's my list that I went down --
1. Gunfire
2. Car backfire
3. Firecrackers
4. Gang shit at my black neighbor with the hot daughter. Don't judge, this happens.
5. Drug deal gone bad down a few houses at the rental with 4 sketchy guys living there.
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100. Goofy Irish neighbor doing home improvements.

[MadamMeow]

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That'll definitely wake you up in the morning.

What a fucking asshole neighbor. He would be friend's with my lawn nut across the street. Guy re-leaf blew his lawn first thing in the morning after a hurricane and no one had power and some people had downed trees.

Not anything near your guy's level though.

[Vodkaman]

Once a month my neighbor pressure cleans his driveway for a couple hours. Always on my day off. I really think it has something to do with having the pressure cleaning wand shooting spray in his hand kinda phallic

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[amtronic]

I'm glad I grew up before social media came around. Every picture of me from kindergarden thru 12 is horrifying. These days I would be made into a meme.


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[Frothy Afterbirth]

I have 12 BVDs for the 12 months of the year.

[amtronic]

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So, for 12 days you are OK to be around, then for the next 11 mo 354 days you reek. OK, I can dig it. I've been commando for the last 2 weeks myself.


Tom Petty song - "Free Ballin"
https://youtu.be/yWfwYv9G6oE


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[MadamMeow]

Sometimes I like to use my position of power to sexually harass Mega.

[The Godfather]

I am not Rosco123. Fuckin' Bum!