You Are A 'true Bahamian When'

[Expletive]

YOU ARE A 'TRUE BAHAMIAN'・

1) WHEN 'FIRE ENGINE' IS A FOOD AND NOT A TRUCK.
2) WHEN ALL OF YOUR COLD MEDICINE IS PICKED OFF SOMEONE'S FENCE
3) WHEN SOMEONE 'JOOKS' YOU INSTEAD OF 'STABBING' YOU
4) WHEN YOU REUSE FOIL PAPER, COOKING OIL, AND JUICE/MILK CONTAINERS
5) WHEN YOU LEAVE A PARTY WITH ENOUGH FOOD TO FEED YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOR THREE DAYS
6) WHEN YOUR DUST CLOTH IS AN OLD T-SHIRT
7) WHEN A 'BACKYARD BARBEQUE' CONSISTS OF YOU BURNING GARBAGE, BRANCHES OR CUT GRASS.
8) WHEN 'JUICING' DOES NOT MEAN MAKING FRESH ORANGE JUICE
9) WHEN YOUR BASKETBALL RIM IS A CRATE NAILED TO A LAMPPOST

10) WHEN A 'VACATION' IS THREE DAYS OF SHOPPING IN FLORIDA
11) WHEN A LUNCHTIME MEAL CONSISTS OF DRY SAUSAGE, CHEESE AND BREAD.
12) WHEN YOU EAT FROM A PLACE NICKNAMED 'DIRTY'S'
13) WHEN YOU KEEP YOUR 'DREAMBOOK' RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR BIBLE.
14) WHEN YOU PUT TWENTY DOLLARS IN THE COLLECTION PLATE, AND ASK FOR NINETEEN DOLLARS CHANGE
15) WHEN YOU GO TO EARLY MASS ON SUNDAY IN THE SAME OUTFIT YOU HAD ON
SATURDAY NIGHT.
16) WHEN YOUR 'DADDY' IS YOUR GARDENER
17) WHEN YOUR CAR IS LONGER (OR MORE EXPENSIVE) THAN YOUR HOUSE
18) WHEN 'LEADED' AND 'UNLEADED' REFER TO A DRINK'S ALCOHOL CONTENT
19) WHEN 'TREE' REFERS TO A NUMBER

20) WHEN YOUR 'AUNTIE JOE' IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK (AN
21) WHEN YOU DON'T DRINK ANYMORE (YOU ALSO DON'T DRINK ANY LESS)
22) WHEN 'MUDDA SIC' DOES NOT REFER TO THE HEALTH OF YOUR MOTHER
23) WHEN YOU CARRY A BOX OF MATCHES, A CANDLE OR FAN WITH YOU TO THE
BATHROOM
24) WHEN 'GOING TO THE COURTS' ENCOMPASSES CARRYING A BASKETBALL,
25) WHEN THE WORD 'JUNGLERS' DOES NOT REFER TO TARZAN.
26) WHEN A PAIR OF SCISSORS TURN LONG PANTS INTO SHORT PANTS IN A SNAP
27) WHEN 'SPAR', 'BOY' AND 'DOG' REFER TO FRIENDS
28) WHEN YOU DON'T EAT DINNER BEFORE 8PM, DURING THE WEEK, AND EAT TAKE-OUT FROM THURSDAY THROUGH SUNDAY
29) WHEN IT TAKES THREE HOURS TO CLEAN YOUR CAR

30) WHEN YOUR 'CELL PHONE' IS NOT CONNECTED THROUGH BATELCO
31) WHEN 'DA PUNCH' DOESN'T REFER TO A BEVERAGE
32) WHEN YOU FILL YOUR WALLET WITH TWENTY $1 BILLS TO MAKE TO LOOK FAT (AND
CALL IT A GUNK).
33) WHEN YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE LIVES FAR IF THEY SAY THEY LIVE IN THE 'BACK OF DA BUSH'
34) WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT 'ASHY', 'PICKY' AND 'SCRUBBY' MEAN
35) WHEN 'MANGO SKIN' REFERS TO SOMEONE'S COMPLEXION
36) WHEN YOU DON'T CLIP THE CRABS BEFORE YOU BURN THEM
37) WHEN YOU DO NOT PLACE AN ITEM ON LAW-A-WAY, YOU 'PUT IT ON TRUST'
38) WHEN YOU NEVER MISS A BRYON LEE CONCERT
39) WHEN YOU 'GO FOR A DRIVE' TO LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE'S HOMES

40) WHEN EVERYTHING IS DESCRIBED BY WHAT IT IS OR HOW IT LOOKS (e.g. COKE SODA, COAT SUIT, ROUND QUARTER)
41) WHEN 'JOY' IS NOT ONLY USED FOR DISHES BUT ALSO FOR CLEANING YOUR CAR, SCRUBBING YOUR TENNIS AND WASHING CLOTHES
42) WHEN YOU HAVEKNOCKED DOWN AT LEAST ONE DOG IN YOUR LIFE
43) WHEN YOU GO TO THE MALL TO CATCH THE AIR CONDITION
44) WHEN YOU HIT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING EVERY TIME YOU LAUGH
45) WHEN BEING INVOLVED IN A FIGHT, YOU LOOK FOR SOMETHING TO 'BUS' SOMEONE
46) WHEN YOU ONLY CATCH THE BUS PLAYING REGGAE
47) WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT 'STITCHY' AND 'SWITCHER' ARE
48) WHEN THE RIMS, SET AND SPEAKERS OF YOUR CAR COST MORE THAN THE CAR ITSELF
49) WHEN THE FIRST THING YOU TRY TO DO WHEN PLAYING BASKETBALL IS NOT A LAY-UP BUT A 'DUNK'

50) WHEN YOU RELAX BY 'LICKING OFF' SOME MUSIC
51) WHEN YOU GO TO A REGATTA BUT CAN'T SAY WHO WON THE RACE
52) WHEN WASPS AND BEES DON'T STING, THEY 'BITE', AND YOU GET BITE FROM 'STINGING ANTS'
53) WHEN YOU CHANGE THE COLOUR OF YOUR CAR WITH A PAINTBRUSH INSTEAD OF
GETTING IT SPRAYED
54) WHEN YOU ADD 'EH' TO THE END OF EVERY QUESTION
55) WHEN YOU BRING BACK TWENTY BOXES FROM MIAMI BUT DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY TO PAY FOR CUSTOMS

56) WHEN YOUR CREDIT CARD LIMIT IS $1,000 BUT YOU OWE $2,000
57) WHEN YOU'RE IN WALMART, K-MART OR WALGREEN'S AT 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING
58) WHEN YOU ANSWER A PROFESSOR'S QUESTION WITH 'I AIN KNOW'
59) WHEN YOU OWN FIFTY OUTFITS BUT 'AIN'T GOT NUTTIN TO WEAR'
60) WHEN YOU PLACE A GARBAGE BAG OVER A BROKEN WINDOW

61) WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN TO THE STATES BUT NEVER A FAMILY ISLAND
62) WHEN YOUR CAR PAYMENTS ARE MORE THAN YOUR RENT
63) WHEN YOU PULL UP TO A GAS STATION IN A BMW, MERCEDES OR LEXUS AND ASK FOR 'FIVE DOLLARS' GAS
64) WHEN 'YA LIE' DOESN'T REALLY MEAN THE PERSON IS NOT TELLING THE TRUTH
65) WHEN YOU PAY YOUR TELEPHONE AND CABLE BILL BEFORE YOUR ELECTRICITY AND WATER

66) WHEN YOU CAN PURCHASE BREAD WITH 'BREAD'
67) WHEN 'IN-DA-NET' (INTERNET) DESCRIBES A SHOT DURING A BASKETBALL GAME
68) WHEN YOUR TENNIS SHOES COST MORE THAN YOUR OUTFIT
69) WHEN 'HARD-MOUTH' AND 'HARD-HEADED' HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
70) WHEN A 'BALL GAME' ONLY REFERS TO BASKETBALL
71) WHEN YOU PLAYED 'HOUSE' OR 'DOCTOR' AT LEAST ONCE AS A CHILD
72) WHEN YOU CAN FIND A FROG, SNAKE OR SPIDER AROUND YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE
73) WHEN YOU HAVE PLASTIC ON ALL YOUR FURNITURE AND A PLASTIC RUNNER ON THE FLOOR
74) WHEN YOUR MECHANIC OPERATES FROM HIS HOME, and finally
75) WHEN '99cents' CAN BUY YOU A HOT BREAKFAST

[Expletive]

In addition:

0) 'ROACH ON YOUR BREAD' HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD OR INSECTS

[MillyMc]

I dont get it.

[n2tattoos.lol]

no one does. but that never stops him.

[amylikewhoa]

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i love you

[Expletive]

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Tourism, if you don't come here to spend your wonderful money (preferably U.S/Canadian/Euro/yen/any thing relevant) then I can't enjoy the way of life I've become accustomed to.

Though at the moment I'm still on the injured list, and has to rely on national insurance which at best is only half my salary, I can't ---for the moment---buy me/myself a proper digital camera, which would enable me to take pictures and record video of this fair country: though more specifically Nassau, since out of 700 Island and Cays, Nassau is the only one I know of or has visited/lived on (it is sad I know). When I get money instead of going to a family island with pink sands and blue/emerald seas, I hop on a plane and head for the united states, or more specifically: Florida. Though driving in Florida is akin to hell, too many cars and every one drives so fast--- and what the fuck is up with I 95: It is far too dangerous, each time I feel like I'm going to shit myself---, reason for traveling there; wonderful devices, trinkets, things, food and not to mention clothes is sold in said country at delicious bargains.

Usually when I'm done, or has spent all my money, I want to return home, though fighting with Customs (our version of the IRS) is the ultimate downer and is humiliating every time. I want you to know the Bahamas as I do, and to also know that most people isn't even 'on my run': to coin a phrase, as a matter of a fact, due to my eccentric nature and several bizarre poems, I'm seen as the unfortunate chap who has had the displeasure of having a 'monkey steal he lunch and dog tuk he school bag', or more accurately 'different'.


My attempt at introducing you to the Bahamian way of thinking is an attempt ---though perhaps an Epic Fail--- at making fun of the mostly colored people's ineptitude at the norm of which I'm sure, every one else is most proficient at (the norms not the incompetence and its trivialities)

But with pictures and videos in hand, I will give you a no holds barred look into the ins and outs of my country: Even the criminal nuances which is the progeny of Nassau's Beginning, 'Pirates aren't we all'.

Most White Bahamians, we affectionately call them Conchy Joes (Taken from the term Conch, a rather wonderfully tasting scavenger shell fish, pronounced konk and not fucking konnsssh.)

Our Conchy Joes, even the ones on the out Islands who refused to breed with Blacks to keep their gene pool solely white and their descendants today; several of whom has debilitating diseases which sad because of them being inbred--- though they're not as fucked up as their parents were and is now open to all persuasions, though some islands you can't stay on because of obvious reasons: this means you fucking Spanish Wells.

But, I so love my Conchy Joe bahamians because among the many, they are the few which turned their acts of villainy into feasible dynasties: The Symonettes the Kelly's, the Pinders, the Thompsons, the Solomons all of them and several others got there start during the prohibition era, and even before then, my classy white cousins were ship wreckers: true pirates in the actual sense.

My black Bahamians, though only a few made money through villainy which was easily laundered into a respectable dynasty, while the others had power which rivaled Pablo: Samuel Ninety Knowles, was in charge for nearly fourteen years of drugs reaching the U.S. from Colombia--- estimated to be in the Billions of dollars: Though Ninety was kidnapped by U.S. Marshals since he had two appeals left on his extradition and the Ambassador at the time Blankenship, threatened my government with an or else bit and Ninety was taken illegally. The only reason why Bahamians didn't make much noise was because Ninety was a truly deadly and scary mutha fucker who had killed several people.



I want to expose my culture to you, in the hope that you appreciate it, or at least more than I do. I hate this fucking place, to ordinary.

[MillyMc]

I am going to try to give you the benefit of the doubt- is english not your first language? Is it a language whose structure lends itself to having whole paragraphs with no point?

[moviephile]

"Bahamian" My ass..... Ya'lls country...... just with better climate.

[Expletive]

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You would be surprised: Our daily vernacular is as much English as one can get without squashing all the finer nuances that makes our vocal drawl unique.

When I write stories, my characters have the insipid ability of adapting their nationalities within my head: So their way of talking and/or acting is easily replicated from other sources I would have exposed myself to. For diverse characterization I continually post on forums such as this and a few others, in the hope that I am able to absorb from all of you bits and pieces to make myself strong.

Perhaps more noticeably I have begun to replicate Jesus Martinez's witty jib jabs, when ever the opportunity presents itself. There fore you must know that all of you, my fellow drunken, porn watching, butt sex loving weirdos, are my grammatical superiors, through your moments of criticisms and well warranted 'Get The Fuck Out', I will absorb your best and add it to my own. So that I will become a better poster/blogger.


You fucks are better than most, because you lack tack and political correctness, your language will thus be a no holds barred attempt at strangling all those about you with razor sharp bouts of unleashed guile and genuine chagrin. Your words burst forth with the force of a rapist sperm invading the orifice of your victims: Whether the victim is male, female or beast is no concern of mine but solely relies on ya'll sick fucks.


excelsior

[mr.brownfella]

Ba Ba Que is ketchup and not a tangy sweet spiced sauce.

So the U.S. Virgin Islands are not that different. The British West Indies are better.