another of my favs
 

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Jack Handey

Why not? Whores are great to make fun of,a jolly good time for all.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Jack Handey

The food at the Hospital Cafeteria is pretty damn good. And cheap as well!

$1.99 for a Cheeseburger!

89 cents for Mashed Potatoes!

$3.69 for a Chicken Quesdilla!

The even serve Starbucks coffee.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

Jack Handey

The food at the cafeteria of my local hospital is quite good,but expensive.

Cheapest item would probably be an egg salad sandwich,which is premade by a food catering company(about 3.50)

The cafteria even sells sushi,but you've got to be hungry to pay for the astronomical prices.....(10 bucks)

We have a Starbucks,Subway,and Tim Hortons as well.....

The gift shops,are very pricey too.....

Although,I have seen cheap ballons in there.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Jack Handey

They that are in dignity or in office have in all places precedence; but whilst they are young, they ought to respect those that are their equals in birth or other qualities, though they have no public charge.

George Washington

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".

Jack Handey

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.


Jack Handey