I was in a fender-bender the other day - got rear-ended by a big ol' Lincoln on the main drag.
When I got out to check the driver of the other car climbed out too.
Turned out to be a dwarf with a huge scowl on his face.
First thing he said was " I'm Not happy"
So I sez-"So which one ARE you?"

I don't know why I haven't been reading this thread. I just gave it 5 stars.

ty leroy. I try to post a few a week :) Bigg is a regular as well

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

A guy and his girlfriend were gonna have sex, but they were at his parents house, so they had to do it on the top bunk of his brothers bed. So the girl says, If I want it faster, I'll say lettuce, slower, I'll say tomato. So they get goin at it and she get's yellin lettuce! tomato! lettuce! tomato!, when all of a sudden the dudes little brother says, "Quit making sandwiches up there, you're gettin mayonnaise all over me!"















.

I want to live my next life backwards:You start out dead and get that out of the way.Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.You work 40 years until you're too young to work.You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.Then you become a baby, and then...You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...You finish off as an orgasm.I rest my case.

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,
"Teacher, can my mother get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
The little girl says, "I'm seven years old."
The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,
"See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Jill was in bed with a man who was not her husband and the heat was uphigh. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?" "Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Jill, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Jill's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. "Honey!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed." "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed, and counted, "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right dear," as he stumbled back into bed.

Have you guys heard? They're making Weekend at Bernies 3...starring Heath Ledger...too soon?

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment!" He replies, "You have perfect eyesight!"

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Black.

So Johnny says "Mom, am I more Black or more Jewish?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Black or more Jewish?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Black or more Jewish?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fucking thing!"