Random Joke Thread

[towdog]

Scroll down and you will see Santa's cock....













































































Act your fucking age...
There is no Santa........
Anyway, what did you want to see his cock for Faggot

[towdog]

A man and his wife are about to have sex when the husband says "do a handstand against the full lenth mirror". The wife thinks this is kinky and does it. The man puts his chin on her privates and says "the boys at the bar were right, a goatie would suit me".

[towdog]

My wife and I were having sex the yesterday when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like they do in the movies."

So I fucked her ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

[towdog]

A man boarded an airplane at London's Heathrow Airport for New York. Taking his seat, as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him!

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. ?I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do apologise" she said,. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[towdog]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the
rigs.'

Mommy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

[rdc2007]

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a man's member?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next Nun speaks up "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

[Predator24]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F@#$ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Nine Words Men Use

1. Fine: Depends heavily on the context. A 'fine' after asking, say, "How was work?", means "It was f***ed, I'm not interested in talking about it". Fine at the end of an argument, however, has the same connotations as when a woman would use it, but it is USUALLY SHOUTED LIKE THIS because us men have trouble using an inside voice when we're angry.

2. Five minutes: What is he doing? Videogames? Five minutes is about half an hour then, or until he finds the ever elusive 'next save point'. Getting ready for sex? Five minutes is two minutes. Preparing to leave? Five minutes means five minutes, and if you're not in the car in exactly five minutes you will find yourself under a veritable barrage of honking until you rectify the fact.

3. Nothing: Is largely a synonym for 'fine', though more resolute. A 'fine' can be challenged, a 'nothing' is completely off limits, and rather than signaling that an argument is forth coming, it should tell any man-savvy woman that whatever is wrong is not up for discussion with her, her mother, or anyone she is related to. Full stop. Period.

4.Go ahead: "I'm not interested in arguing with you anymore, do whatever the hell you want. See if I care!" Often accompanied by a #1.

5.Loud sigh: Sometimes with a curse, like 'J***s Ch***t' or 'F**king hell', this is a sign of frustration, and means, basically, "I so don't understand the issue here, what is she still pissed about? My conclusive rebuttals weren't enough for her?"

6.That's okay: This is a sign of disappointment. If a dude tells you 'that's okay' after you've just admitted something, it means his respect for you has taken a free fall and he's not sure what to say that won't insult you, despite his current feelings. If a guy is saying 'that's okay' a lot, you should examine your patterns and find out why.

7.Thanks: This depends largely on the context and intonation. Like eels and shotguns, 'thanks' is a slippery beast and by no means can be explained in one dot point. So I won't.

8. Whatever: "I'm over it. I'm not interested in arguing. I still think I'm right, but you know what? You don't, and I'm beyond caring. F**k you." That's what 'whatever' means.

9.Don't worry about it, I got it: This isn't often used by men, but when uttered it holds the same connotations as "Stop asking if I need help, I am a MAN, I am more than capable of handling this shit myself". Women often challenge this, which can result in a #4 #5 combo, or, worse, a #1 followed up by an #8.

[towdog]

INTERNET WARNING:

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it.....


.....It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.



.

[maxbailey]

Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'