Random Joke Thread

[DSF Guest 8]

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HAHAHAHAHAHA...*inhale*....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[DSF Guest 8]

With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

"This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache," he says.

The wife looks at him and replies, "That's a sheep under your arm."

He says, "I wasn't talking to you."

[DSF Guest 8]

A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and orders her to open the vault. She says, “But, sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”

“Open it now!” he demands.

She opens the vault, and it’s full of test tube samples.

“Take one and drink it,” says the guy.

“But it’s sperm!” she pleads.

“Do it!”

So the nurse sucks it back.

“That one there, drink that one as well,” he continues.

The nurse does as she’s told.

Finally, after four samples the man takes off his ski mask. It’s her husband! “See?” he says. “Was it that bad?”

[DSF Guest 8]

A double shot in case I actually see daylight this weekend...

Two drunks are laying on the floor, and one of them is sticking a finger in and out of the other drunk’s ass.

When a cop walks by and looks at the drunks, he says, “What the hell are you two doing?”

The first drunk replies, “Oh, I’m just helping my friend vomit.”

So the cop says, “Do you think I’m stupid? Sticking your finger in his ass is no way to make your friend vomit.”

“Just wait until I stick it in his mouth,” replies the drunk.

[adamhomeboy]

nice one Pendragon - well, nice 2 actually
here's a triple shot to beat your double

-------------------------------------------
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia.

He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,

"What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Fucken great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

-----------------------------------------

HAROLD THE COMPUTER GUY

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T Error? What's that . In case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T


I used to like Harold

-------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.
"You dirty git", shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband."
The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out." she storms.
Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance", says the barmaid. "Now what do.........you want ?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up, Love?", he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says.
"I'll kill him. where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it ?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love - I'm not fucking with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness !

[DSF Guest 8]

Heard the first 2, still funny tho. The last one is pretty good too.

[googoogjoob69]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are sitting in divorce court front of the judge and the judge looks down at Mickey and says, "So, Mr. Mouse, what you're trying to tell me is you want a divorce from Mrs. Mouse because you think she's crazy." Mickey hangs his head and responds, "No, Your Honor, I didn't say my wife was crazy... I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!"

[DSF Guest 8]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the ladies' bowling league, honey," he says. "We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says, "Hi, Davey! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[DSF Guest 8]

Q: Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t?

A: Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

[DSF Guest 8]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass.” Just then, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

“That’s OK,” she said, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”