Random Joke Thread

[rockdude82]

Just because I can't get the damn song outta my head, now you must all suffer!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfuBREMXxts

[antman4]

A traveling salesman knocks on a door and is surprised when a baby in diapers opens the door. The kid held a big cigar in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other.

The salesman is taken aback. "Uh, excuse me, kid," says the salesman. "Are your parents home?

The baby glances at the cigar and scotch and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

[NookieJunkie]

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On a side note:
It's so fucking cold here right now, when I picked my nose, small icicles were stuck to the end of my finger. Now I have lollipop snot...

(Eeeewwww!! I know, right??)

[NookieJunkie]

Recently, I named my penis 'Pogo'.
Because the higher you bounce, the more fun you have.


A clown fell on the floor next to me art the circus, writhing in pain, holding his chest.
I said, "You've got to be joking'"


Everyone has been asking how I could possibly have afforded my new car.
I just tell them that I recently came into some money.
Then I cleaned it up and spent it on a new car.


My wife says I'm too impulsive. What the fuck does she know?
She only met me yesterday.

[NookieJunkie]

My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.

"I find them very interesting," I said.

"Well, who gives a flying fuck?" She said angrily.

"Dragonflies," I replied.



Dyslexic men don't know their Spine from their Penis.


A couple were on the beach when they started to get very passionate and began to have sex.
About two minutes into it, the woman asks, "Do you think you can get your balls in as well?"
After a short pause he asks "Why?"
"Because you're flicking sand up my ass!!" she replied.



I went to the Salon today. The hairdresser was going to trim my pubes, she asked what I wanted. I said a number 1.

I received a slap when I pissed in her mouth.

WTF?? I did warn her!

[NookieJunkie]

Aftering hearing about the Chinese boy who sold his kidney for an iPad, many are concerned about the state of his urinary system which is missing a vital component.
However, this is a fallacy, since he is actually now a complete cunt.
(In case you have not heard this insane fucking dumbshit story....)

http://forum.drunkenstepfather.com/s...postcount=1134


Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.


Shagged Guinevere last night.
Came a lot.


Movie night with the kids was awkward this week.
It turns out that the Human Centipede is not a sequel of the Ant Bully.

A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping out of his school bag. His Teacher is very puzzled and asks him ?Tommy what is your cat doing at school today?? Tommy answers ?I heard the Postman telling my Mum: ?When your kids have gone to school I?m gonna eat your pussy!? So I wasn?t taking any chances?

[maxbailey]

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[NookieJunkie]

The woman I woke up next to this morning said "You must think the worst of me".
"Not at all!" I replied. "I think you're a dirty little slag who loves anal!"


Great news today, I've passed my degree in randomology.
Potato.


You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a blowjob.


"How many women have you cheated with?" My wife screamed. "Tell me the truth or I'm leaving now".
"Three," I replied.
"You said four a minute ago?" She said.
"I'll get your bags".