Random Joke Thread

[DSF Guest 8]

Found in my inbox this morning.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple shot of Crown. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Damn," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the fuck out."

"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"

"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"

[Randal Graves]

Makes me afraid that someone might molest my dog.

[Shasturbator]

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket andasked for half a head of lettuce.The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads oflettuce.The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosserwants to buy a half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing rightbehind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy theother half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with thewayyou got yourself out of that situation earlier.We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked. The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballersthere." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex." "No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

[goonarms]

Both great jokes, i haven't heard either of them surprisingly

[Shasturbator]

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreedto a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, wediscovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it wastoo late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed littlePop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

those first 3 jokes were good...

I'm changing the name of this thread so post your jokes here.

Good jokes only! Alright let's have 'em!

[Shasturbator]

At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2, Bono, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.

While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the
quiet:

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil basturd!"

[DSF Guest 8]

#1) We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Mister, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

#2) The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!"

She is an elementary school teacher.

[Shasturbator]

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1 . Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

[Shasturbator]

I thought it was funny