Random Joke Thread

[chrisnc]

A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common." The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that"...

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[Eccles]

We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

[Grandizer]

Hahaha, Good one.

[Stantz]

What do a short-sighted gynacologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses

[Rockula]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

[Eccles]

Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: A Chinese telephone.

[Stantz]

Two women are talking about their sex lives (like they do)

"So how's yours?" says one

"Well, you know.... It's crap!" blurts out the other "We haven't had sex in months. I can't remember the last time he looked at me in 'that way'. I know I've put on a bit of weight since we married, but not that much. I don't know what to do".

"Oh, you should go to our therapist. Rescued our marriage for sure. Never been better. can't walk most mornings!"

"How? what did he do for you?"

"Well, he suggested we spice it up a bit with food play. He told us to go to the supermarket and buy some grapes and a pack of ring donuts. The trick is, I eat the donuts off of his dick, and he eats the grapes out of my... you know. By the time we're finished, we're both completey knackered and we don't have a desire to raid the fridge in the middle of the night." Her friend is gobsmacked. "I'll give you his number".

The next day the friends speak on the phone

"So how did it go? What did the therapist say?"

"He told us to go to the supermarket and buy a watermelon and a packet of Polos...."

[Eccles]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLoYF...layer_embedded

[MrGoutHimself]

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FTFY you limey fuck!