Random Joke Thread

[ThatHaole]

10. A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband's friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband's in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I'll give it to you if you'll open your bathrobe for me."

She's offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I'll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts."

Now she's really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That jerk owes me 800 bucks!"



9. The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, "You know what, before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."

"Well," the limo driver says, "Come up here and take the wheel, Your Holiness, and I'll get in back!"

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who walks over to the limo, sees who's sitting in the front seat and runs back to his squad car. He calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone really important and I don't know what to do."

"Well, who is it?" his dispatcher says, "The mayor? The governor? The president?"

"I don't know exactly who he is," the officer responds, "but the Pope is his chauffeur!"


8. A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls, and I had sex with each one three times."

The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession, my son?"

The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."

"So why are you telling me this?" asks the priest.

The man says, "I'm telling everybody!"



7. A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.

After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, "More blankets."

Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, "More food."

The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he's drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, "I'm leaving."

"Good," the head monk replies. "You've done nothing but whine since you got here."


6. "Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.

"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.

"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.

"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be fucking you."


5. A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."


4. A businessman was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.

One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off.

By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.

"I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair."

His wife slowly looked him up and down, paused for a moment and said, "BS, you've been playing golf!"



3. A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it.

"You don't want to know," answers the bartender.

A few beers later, the guy says, "Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey."

"OK, I'll show you," says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender's pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, "You want to try it?"

"Hell, yeah," says the guy. "But don't hit me that hard."



2. Q: Hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out a little longer.


1. A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"

"Beertits," the man replied.

[Eccles]

I Saw my mate earlier in town.
He only has one arm bless him.
"Where you off to?" I shouted.
"To change a light bulb" he said.
"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.
"Naah", he said. 'I’ve still got the receipt."

[maxbailey]

Q: What do George Michael and Chilean miners
have in common?

A: Both will be free after eight weeks of
heavy drilling.

[shsheik]

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.




Why don't black people go on cruises?
They already fell for that one once.

[Glen Quagmire]

What's the difference between a zit and a priest?

A zit waits until you are 13 before coming on your face.

[Glen Quagmire]

"Have you found Jesus?"

"Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."

[maxbailey]

I fucked a girl with a stutter last night.......it was great cause i managed to finish before she said no.

[maxbailey]

Just got back from seeing an ex-girlfriend, and you know how things go, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. To be honest the police weren't happy about it, I was only supposed to identify the body.

[Beer]

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

[Beer]

I accidentally called my daughter's name out during sex yesterday.

Luckily, my wife was asleep in the next room so she couldn't hear.