Random Thoughts V3.0 - Page 191 - The Drunken stepFORUM - A place to discuss your worthless opinions

#**1901** 10-02-2009, 09:26 PM

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Lol that would be nice of me wouldn't it?

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Ok everybody...RUN! lol

#**1902** 10-02-2009, 09:45 PM

Sorry, it's in stupid e-mail form, but I had to share this. Too funny
Dave Barry at his finest.
> >
> > Colonoscopy Journal:
> >
> > I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
> to make an
> > appointment for a colonoscopy.
> >
> > A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a
> color diagram of
> > the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over
> the place, at
> > one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
> >
> > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in
> a thorough,
> > reassuring and patient manner.
> >
> > I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear
> anything he said,
> > because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO
> STICK A TUBE
> 17,000
> > FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
> >
> > I left Andy' s office with some written
> instructions, and a
> > prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
> which comes in a box
> > large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will
> discuss MoviPrep in
> > detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
> never allow it
> > to fall into the hands of America's enemies..
> >
> > I spent the next several days productively sitting
> around being nervous.
> >
> > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In
> > accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
> solid food that
> > day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
> water, only
> > with less flavor.
> >
> > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You
> mix two packets of
> > powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you
> fill it with
> > lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
> metric system, a
> > liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the
> whole jug.
> > This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -
> and here I am
> > being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal
> cleanser, with
> > just a hint of lemon.
> >
> > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a
> > great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
> 'a loose,
> > watery bowel movement may result.'
> >
> > This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
> your roof, you
> > may experience contact with the ground.
> >
> > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
> too graphic,
> > here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle
> launch? This is
> > pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
> shuttle. There
> > are times when you wish the commode had a seat
> belt. You spend
> > several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
> spurting
> > violently. You eliminate everything. And
> then, when you figure you
> > must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
> of MoviPrep,
> > at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
> travel into the
> > future and start eliminating food that you have not
> even eaten yet.
> >
> > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
> sleep.
> >
> > The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
> very nervous.
> > Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had
> been
> > experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
> spurtage. I was
> > thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How
> do you apologize to a
> > friend for something like that? Flowers would
> not be enough.
> >
> > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
> that I
> > understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck
> the forms said.
> > Then they led me to a room
> full of other colonoscopy people, where I
> > went inside a little curtained space and took off my
> clothes and put
> > on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist
> perverts, the
> > kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even
> more naked than
> > when you are actually naked..
> >
> > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein
> in my left
> > hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
> was very good, and
> > I was already lying down. Eddie also told me
> that some people put
> > vodka in their MoviPrep..
> > At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
> this, but then I
> > pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
> tipsy to make it
> > to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full
> Fire Hose
> > Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
> house.
> >
> > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure
> room,
> > where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anesthesiologist. I did
> > not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it
> hidden around
> > there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this
> point.
> >
> > Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
> anesthesiologist
> > began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
> >
> > There was music playing in the room, and I realized
> that the song
> > was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked
> to Andy that, of all the
> > songs that could be playing during this particular
> procedure,
> > 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
> appropriate.
> >
> > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me.
> >
> > 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time,
> the moment I had been
> > dreading for more than a decade. If you are
> squeamish, prepare
> > yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit
> detail,
> > exactly what it was like.
> >
> > I have no idea. Really. I slept through
> it. One moment, ABBA was
> > yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
> tambourine,' and the
> > next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up
> in a very mellow
> mood.
> >
> > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I
> felt. I felt
> > excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
> told me that It was
> > all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
> colors. I have
> > never been prouder of an internal organ.

Bradley Nowell · #**1903** 10-02-2009, 10:03 PM

^^^I got the same thing emailed to me today.

#**1904** 10-02-2009, 10:04 PM

Yay I just won $10 mega dollars!

amylikewhoa · #**1905** 10-02-2009, 10:09 PM

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i am so sorry for you. i feel so awful. you have my most heartfelt condolences

Bradley Nowell · #**1906** 10-02-2009, 10:11 PM

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I won $7. We could pool our winnings and buy a case of cheap beer.

amylikewhoa · #**1907** 10-02-2009, 10:11 PM

im partially unclothed and drunk

Bradley Nowell · #**1908** 10-02-2009, 10:12 PM

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Damn, Suz. I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope it was peaceful.

#**1909** 10-02-2009, 10:18 PM

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Alright I'm in. And you will then be the double winner because I can't swallow beer and/or soda without making weirdo rabies type noises.

#**1910** 10-02-2009, 10:18 PM

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Now you're speaking my language....