Random Joke Thread

[Bam-Bam]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

[Bam-Bam]

Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?"asks Bill. John answers, "It's simple - watch..."

John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill askes, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!

[Crazy808]

Quick one liners:

An Irishman, A scotsman and An Englishman walk into a bar,
Barman says, "Is this a joke?"


A baby seal walks into a club...


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,
'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment!'
He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

[Tommy Gunz]

Jesus walks into a hotel and lays two giant nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[Bam-Bam]

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

[Shasturbator]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "your dicks bigger than your brothers."

[Shasturbator]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. "The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing very tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says..... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Shasturbator]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."



After a moment of silence, he farted

[Bam-Bam]

A slip of the tongue can be so embarrassing.
When I asked the beautiful salesgirl for a ticket to Pittsburgh, what came out was a "picket to Titsburg".
That's nothing. The other day I asked my wife to pass the salt and ended up saying, "You bitch, you ruined my life!"




A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl. Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."



Did you hear about the new morning-after birth control pill for men?
It doesn't do anything about the baby; it just changes your bloodtype.

[Brabra]

A pirate walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey, you've got a steering wheel in your crotch"
The Pirate says "Arrrrr it's driving me nuts"

A bear walks into a bar and says "One beer and ............. a packet of peanuts"
The barman says "Why the big paws?"