Random Joke Thread

[Shasturbator]

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. "It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it." In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint. In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sitt here drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?" Glancing up at my wife, I responded,

"She doesn't like beer."

[DAS]

A woman was in a coma and had been in it for months. When nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath, one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked…."

[DAS]

President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'

[DAS]

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years, You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these ev ents, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.'

[DAS]

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion
jumps back letting go of the girl and the biker brings her
to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene and addressing the biker says,
"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have seen a man do
in my whole life."
The biker replies, "why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this
on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?"
The biker tells him, "a Harley Davidson."
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper
to see if it indeed brings news of his actions,
and reads, on first page:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[DAS]

Guts vs Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really Know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

[DAS]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald 's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[DAS]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" a sked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.

[DAS]

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother..."

[DAS]

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by Little Johnny with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.

The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son, but is your mom or dad in?"

The boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"