Strange Sex Inventions from the U.S. Patent Office

[ThatHaole]

Adult Sexual Apparatus, Patent# 6,203,491 (2001)
With a spring loaded harness that fastens to the wall, it's all about resistance when it comes to this particular at-home sexual entertainment product. Part exercise, all pleasure, this workout guarantees flat abs, a toned rear and a lot of explaining to do if your roommate walks in on you.



Lingual Vibration Device, Patent# 6,645,164 (2003)
This oral vibration device is perfect--as long as you don't electrocute your partner during foreplay. With so much voltage, this item probably should be kept away from moisture. Alas.

[ThatHaole]

Smart Sex Toys, Application# 270897 (2006)
If the super sexy diagram below doesn't get you hot and bothered, then we don't know what will. This inventor wants to monitor blood pressure and muscle contraction with a laptop while you get off. Okay buddy, we know the female orgasm is a mystery, but this does not help matters.



Clitoral Clip, Patent #6056705 (2000)
The inventor of this sexual device may be confusing a clitoris with a rusty bolt. Yes, this was invented by a woman, but we guarantee a clitoris will be even more difficult to find if you bring that into the bedroom.

[ThatHaole]

Automated Masturbatory Device, Patent #5501650 (1996)
Although this looks like some type of urban traffic planning device, the maker of this male masturbation machine guarantees "a stroke of approximately 3 inches at a frequency of up to 350 per minute." Sounds pretty awesome once you figure out where to stick it.



Surrogate Sexual Partner, Application# 107431 (2002)
The mastery and skill put into the lifelike quality of this sex doll with giant knockers is second to none. Not only does the doll have a "reciprocating pelvis," but she has a heart guaranteed to also love you back!

[ThatHaole]

Tongue Toy System, Application# 15435 (2005)
No, this is not a Rolling Stones album cover; its an "interactive online tongue toy system." To get your licks, the inventor asks you to connect with other people who buy this gadget, meet in a chat room and then control the tongues through the magic of the internet. This leads us to believe you could probably just try online dating and get the same result.



Subgical, Patent# 995,600 (1911)
This is a shock. One hundred years ago, before web porn, our nation had a major masturbation problem. This anti-sex contraption falls somewhere between a chastity belt and an iron maiden. Its inventor "guarantees [it will] prevent all masturbation." We are guessing this was popular for about five minutes.

[ThatHaole]

Male Sexual Organ Suction, Application# 47182 (2004)
We're not sure if the Einstein who designed this was either burned out from inventing, trying to meet women or both. The diagram shows how you can easily turn a small bottle and a few condoms filled with water into a near lifelike vagina (really!) This also supposedly remedied male erectile dysfunction, but we think it might instead cause it.



Rocker Apparatus, Patent# 119689 A1 (2008)
We presume that a lonely genius stumbled upon this million dollar idea one day while thinking, "there has got to be a way to attach my dildo to something other than the wall. I shouldnt have to do all the work here." The wicker rocking chair is included.

[ThatHaole]