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Old 05-27-2010, 01:24 PM
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el_victorino el_victorino is offline
The future is unwritten, but I'm illustrating it now.
 

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el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.el_victorino is wasting away in Rep-o-rita-ville.
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Jesus Christ, man. It's not a race, her nipples aren't radio knobs, and her clit isn't a speed bag. It sounds like you're trying to force an orgasm out of her. You know, by forcing her to "take the hard beam of the shower head for quite some time" which left her crying. What is this, like the first or second clit you've ever touched? Stop acting like you're filming a gonzo porn scene. Have you tried asking her what she likes?

[aside: I can't believe I'm actually giving this dipshit advice on how to fuck his girlfriend]

Okay, back to it. If she's not coming, it's all your fault. Some things to know and some things to try:

1) Just the sight of your sad, hairy ball sack and 3/4 scale penis isn't enough to get her in the mood, nor are your subtle hints like "okay, can we fuck now." Try spending some time (and not just five minutes) on other body parts before you go for the cooter. Maybe make sure she's actually turned on before you try to jam your weiner into her.

2) Many women don't like direct contact on the clit because it's too sensitive. Make your index and middle finger into a V (you know, like "live long and prosper, you fucking nerd) and rub on both sides of the clit without actually touching it. Start light and slow and take your cues from her response. Back and forth, up and down or in circles. Do not get impatient and start assaulting her clit. You're not Norm Abrams sanding a piece of lumber.

3) Same for when you're going down on her. Unless you're using a rented dick and you have to have it back by five, take your time. Light and slow until she tells you otherwise, and avoid direct contact unless or until she tells you otherwise.

3) When you're working her clit manually (see #2) or orally (see #3) insert a finger inside and massage her g-spot (if you're facing her, stick your finger up there with your palm facing you and make a "come here" gesture with your finger. The spongy, roughly nickel-sized spot you feel on the "front wall" of her virginia is her g-spot. Massage it. Lightly, you fucking gorilla. You're not hailing a cab.

4) You've probably already fucked it up with this girl but if you haven't, then recognize that even using this patented and fool-proof method, it may take you a long time to get her there, because you're such an uncaring, inconsiderate, hamfisted clod (really, you basically held her down and raped her with a shower head. Dumbfuck. What the fuck is wrong with you??)

5) Have you really never read a single fucking thing about women? Never talked to one about sex? Never read a sex advice column in Playboy (because, Christ, you need one). MOST women cannot climax solely by penetration. While you're fucking her (Slowly, Moose. You're not paying her by the hour, are you?) also apply Tip #2. (Or Tip #3 if you're really flexible). Use a vibrator on her clit. (Same guidelines as above - light, slow, and no direct contact with this girl).

6) Finally, take a shower. Shave your back. Change your drawers before you pick her up. Wash your ass. Brush your teeth. Put some work into it, you fucking lout.

And realistically, I think you might as well give up and start saving your pennies for a Real Doll. They don't talk back and you won't have to worry if your 16 Year Old On Prom Night efforts actually make her come. Plus, they may be able to custom make one for you with a miniature salesman sample vagina to accommodate your tiny peepee.


Serious enough for you?
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Last edited by el_victorino : 05-27-2010 at 05:45 PM.
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