Random Joke Thread
 

Found in my inbox this morning.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple shot of Crown. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Damn," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the fuck out."

"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"

"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"

Makes me afraid that someone might molest my dog.

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket andasked for half a head of lettuce.The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads oflettuce.The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosserwants to buy a half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing rightbehind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy theother half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with thewayyou got yourself out of that situation earlier.We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked. The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballersthere." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex." "No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

Both great jokes, i haven't heard either of them surprisingly

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreedto a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, wediscovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it wastoo late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed littlePop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

those first 3 jokes were good...

I'm changing the name of this thread so post your jokes here.

Good jokes only! Alright let's have 'em!

True Or Not!?!?!
 

At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2, Bono, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.

While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the
quiet:

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil basturd!"

When I Say I'm Broke...i'm Broke!
 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?

Fucking poor people

i need my itching and burning to start....