Probably already posted but fuck you
 

> > > Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife
> > > looks over
> > > at him and asks the question.
> > >
> > > WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
> > > again?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "You would? (with a hurt look)
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Probably. It is almost new."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would you re place my pictures with hers?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."
> > >
> > > WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."
> > >
> > > WIFE: - silence -
> > >
> > > HUSBAND: " . . shit."

A young boy was sitting outside his house crying.A passing neigbour sees him and says "Seamus, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"Seamus replies "'Tis a terrible t'ing. Me mam's dying""That's awful" the neighbour says " would you like me to fetch the priest?""No thanks", says Seamus, "I'm not in the mood for sex"

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out
of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a
calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take
one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required.." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.

What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
The Ritz is a Snack Cracker.

What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?
The Circus is a cunning array of stunts.

-SRD

What's the difference between a tribe of Pigmies and a girl's track team?

The Pigmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

Short Love Story
 

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.




Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own ?#%@**!! blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.


The End

Wife & husband

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on It that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name Of the horse I bet on'.

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the Head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned!'

Years ago I told my wife that for our marriage to survive we should eat dinner out of the house twice a week. She goes on Tuesday, I go on Thursday.
-SRD

The Poem that may get me fired
 

So I emailed this to a bunch of people from one of my Gmail accounts yesterday, and accidentally copied the receptionist, who got all offended and told HR. When she went to print a copy for my file, she finally noticed the last two lines, but it was too late to un-narc. Enjoy a little Thanksgiving humor.

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide... he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.
-SRD

Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?

A: The ultra-sound man

------------------

Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?

A: The hip-replacement guy.

------------------

Q: What is Grand Master Flash's favourite website?

A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.

------------------

My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.When I was little he used to put his hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.

------------------

Q: How do find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints.