Q. What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A. "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Q. What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A. A documentary.

Q. What do they call it in Kentucky?
A. "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

Q. How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
A. Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Q. Why did God invent armadillos?
A. So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

Q. How do you know if a redneck is married?
A. There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.

Q. What is the definition of cowboy foreplay?
A. Git in the truck, bitch.

Q. What do you call a redneck that does not have sex with his sister?
A. An only child.

Two dums are in an alley, with only one dollar between them, trying to figure out how they are going to get drunk. ?I have an idea!,? one exclaims. ?Give me your 50 cents.? The drunk stands up with his dollar in pocket change, stumbles out of the alley towards the market across the street, and returns five minutes later with a hot dog in his hand.

?Oh, man,? the second drunk cries, ?how are we going to get drunk off of a hot dog??

?I?ll explain!,? the first drunk leans over and whispers his plan into his ear.

***

A couple of hours later, the two drunks are sitting in a bar. Having just finished 6 whiskeys between them, the bartender finally gets fed up. ?All right, I?ve served you each three whiskeys, and you haven?t paid me yet. That?s it! If you don?t have the cash, I?m calling the police.?

On that cue, the first drunk jumps up from his bar stool, where it becomes evident that he has zipped the hot dog into his fly. The second drunk dives to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog.

?Oh my God!? the bartender screeched, ?Get out of here! Get out of here!?

***

Ten hours and eight bars later, the two drunks stumble back into the alley from where their adventure began.

?Man, that was a great plan,? the second drunk said, ?but boy are my knees sore from jumping down onto the floor in all of those bars.?

?You think your knees are sore?,? the first drunk snorted. ?We lost the hot dog after the second bar.?

Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammed" answered the kid. "Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion!? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened to you little Bruce?" "Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fucking Arabs!"

Too soon?
 

1. What?s the difference between Michael Jackson and Teddy Kennedy? About 2 months of decay!

2. Ted Kennedy has been sober for 12 hours now.

3. Ted Kennedy carries on the tradition of his brothers by dying with something lodged in his brain.

4. What did Teddy tell Mary Jo when he found out she was pregnant? We?ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

5. I wonder if Ted Kennedy?s funeral will be open bar?

6. Ted also had a plan to stimulate the Auto industry but his program was called ?cash for kerplunkers?.

7. How did people find out Ted was dead? He didn?t show up to the bar this morning.

8. I?d rather go hunting with Cheney than driving with Ted Kennedy.

9. Ted Kennedy never became president because unlike George Washington, he couldn?t cross a river.

10. Ted is dead, its all just water under the bridge now.

11. With news of Ted?s death, the Massachusetts liquor industry is now going to need a bailout.

12. What?s black, white and hungry? Ted Kennedy?s cat!

Why is it everytime I eat asian pussy I'm hungry again an hour later?

Did you hear about the pedophile that skipped breakfast but said he'd pick up a little something on the way to work?

A dude is walking on a beach and sees a girl with no arms and no legs lying on a blanket crying. The guy asks what's wrong and she says she's never been hugged. The man hugs her and leaves. The next day on the beach, the same girl with no arms and no legs, crying again. This time she tells him she's never been kissed. He kisses her and leaves. The third day he's walking on the beach and she's back again, no arms and no legs and crying. He asks her why she's crying this time and she says "I've never been screwed." He picks her up, throws her in the water, and says "there, now you're screwed."

-SRD

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, ?penis? written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the days lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find ?penis? on the board, a little larger each time.

She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: ?The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.?

Dude! I actually had that happen to me three years ago! Scary considering all my students were guys and I'm a guy.

I ended up telling them that the size of the writing on the board must mean they're using bigger magnifying glasses each day.

Ha! That's funny to turn it around on them, I'm surprised someone thought to do this though. lol :)

A priest and a rabbi were walking down a street when they saw a little boy on a swing in a park. The priest said "shh, let's sneak over there, drag that boy to the woods, and screw him."

The rabbi responded "out of what?"
-SRD