Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.




Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

Mother in Law
 

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

A woman was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the police arrested her after a series of accidents. The court ruled that her car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. It was ruled that she had to paint over her car's hood.

A Man Who Knows His Math
 

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
>
>He writes:
>
>I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female
>driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive
>onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
>
>This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
>arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
>
>'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I
>ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
>whenever a female does anything
>to me in traffic, and here's why:
>
>I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
>That's 96 miles each day.
>Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to bumper
>Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
>
>There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
>That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
>
>Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
>bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
>
>That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I
>pass every day.
>
>Statistically, females drive half of these.
>That's 18,000 women drivers!
>In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
>
>That's 642.
>
>According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe
>their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
>That's 449.
>
>According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
>females have seriously considered suicide or homicide..
>That's 98.
>
>And 34% describe men as their biggest problem..
>That's 33.
>
>According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
>females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
>
>That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
>female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,
>has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
>
>Give her the finger?
>I don't think so.

A CALIFORNIA LOVE STORY
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
>>
>> After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
>> rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
>>
>> As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love
>> doing that?"
>>
>> Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

Holy f-f-fuck that was funny!

There's a man walking around a shopping area following women and saying very quietly "tickle your ass with a feather." If the lady turns around in anger, the man will say "I said particularly nice weather." A wino sees this and when the guy sits down to take a rest, the wino asks him how to do it. After a few minutes explaining, the wino says he has the idea and despite the man's protests gets up and begins to follow a lady around. The wino says "hey lady, wanna fuck?" When the woman turns around, the wino says "I said, do you think it will rain?"
-SRD

What is a Nihilists favorite type of Bread? Naan.

What is Matisyahu's favorite type of bread? CHALLAH!!!!

What sound does Michael Jackson's ambulance make?

"EEeeee-Huuuu EEeeee-Huuuu" Shamm-ONnn.

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc ....

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


'My,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'