I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

The Wal-Mart Greeter

A very disheveled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting, nasty in EVERY sense of the word, woman, walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow.

As she grabs a cart, the Wal-Mart Greeter, asks, "Are they twins"?

"No," the woman snarls, "the oldest one, he's nine, and, the younger one, she's seven. Why, do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got Laid twice!!"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!"





There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman,
"I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered,
"I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."






A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

The Blonde Bride's Kitchen Diary

Monday:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors loaned me the extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home to dinner and they found me naked!

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice so I took a bath. Can't say it helped the rice.

Thursday:
Tried a new salad recipe. It said "prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Tom asked why I was rolling around the garden.

Friday:
Found easy recipe for cookies that said "put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Something went wrong. When I got home, everything was just as I left it.

Saturday:
Tom went shopping today, brought home a chicken, and asked me to dress it for Sunday. I didn't have any clothes that fit it. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. How disappointing. When it came out, it was still hamburger!

Goodnight, dear diary. Tomorrow I'm gonna buy a bigger oven so I can fix Tom a chocolate moose!.

Military Humor

Editor: Following are some allegedly true quotes by the military, of the military and for the military ... whatever that means

1. "You, you, and you -- Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
2. "Any ship can be a minesweeper... Once." -- Anonymous.
3. "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get to you to the scene of the crash." -- Anonymous military pilot instructor.
4. The three most famous last words by pilots are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Oh, Sh*t!!" -- Anonymous.
5. "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation -- we never left one up there!" -- Anonymous.
6. "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." -- Attributed to Northrop test pilot Max Stanley.
7. "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." - Anonymous military pilot (suspected Marine pilot).

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

“18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

:p

A Shot From The Past

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was OK and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It’s OK," said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."