Out in the woods a hunter sees a black bear in the distance, having never bagged a bear before he slowly stalks the animal and takes a careful aim...
just then he feels a slight tap on his shoulder...
he turns to see a brown bear standing behind him...
the bear leans in and says, "Thats my cousin your about to shoot, now im gonna have to fuck you in the ass"
The bear finishes up and sends the hunter on his way...
As the days of recovery go by the hunter cant help but think about that bear, and how good its gonna be to kill him next time...
finally the hunter returns to the woods to find that bear...
and there he is....take a steady aim...
just then he feels a tap on his shoulder...
he turns to see a grizzly bear standing there....
bear leans in and says, "Thats my cousin your about to shoot, now im gonna have to fuck you in the ass"
The bear finishes up and sends the hunter on his way...
As the weeks of recovery go by the hunter becomes obsessed with killin that damned bear...nothing will stop him this time...
Finally he returns to the woods...
Theres that damn bear...take a careful steady aim...
just then theres a tap on his shoulder...
he turns and sees a polar bear standing behind him...
bear leans in and says "you dont come out here for the hunting do you?"

Guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila,
bartender says "must of been a hell of a day"
guy says "yup, just found out my brother is gay"
next day same guy walks in and orders 6 shots of tequila,
bartender says "still down about your brother?"
guy says "nope, just found out my dad is gay"
next day same guy walks in and orders 6 shots of tequila,
bartender says "jesus doesnt anyone in your family like women?"
guy says "yeah, my wife"

A U.N. flight returning to new york is over the atlantic when they realize there isnt enough fuel to make it...the capt desides to drop the cargo hold...
still to heavy...he instructs the delegates to throw out everything they can manage of their carryon...still to heavy...capt has the flight crew show everyone how to dismatle the seats and out they go...still to heavy...and now the capt is all out of ideas...the british ambassitor has an idea, walks to the back of the plane grabs a parachute, "for the queen" and jumps...not to be outdone the french ambassitor gets a shute, "vive la france" and jumps...
not to be outdone the american grabs a shute, "remember the alamo" and throws out the mexican

A joke.
 

What's the best part about taking a shower with a twelve year old girl?


Get her hair wet and she looks ten!

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

There was a Kentucky redneck and a buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!" "Aight, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled back. The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool!When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"



Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.



Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact." The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"


Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.


A dirty & ugly old man walks up to this voluptuously beautiful woman and says: "Would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?"

"For 1 MILLION dollars, of course I would."

"Would you sleep with me for 5 dollars?"

"For 5 DOLLARS, What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We already established what kind of girl you are, I'm just negotiating."

Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
In case of a stillbirth, soup.


What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?
Making a bong out of it


What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.


What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby?
Threesomes.


What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.


Why couldn't Helen Keller drive???
Because she was a woman!!


Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!


How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the bitch can cook in the dark!


How does an Alabama daughter know when her mom has her period?
When her brothers dick tastes bad.


What's metal and full of holes??
Dimebag Darrel

A guy walks into a bar with an Octapus in a fishbowl under his arm. He walks up to the bartender and asks if he's a gambling man. The bartender replies that he does like to bet now and again, so the guy offers him a wager; if his Octapus can play any instrument the bartender sets in front of him the owner will get free beer for the night. If he tries and fails, the bartender gets $50. The bartender agrees, and points to an old grand piano in the corner of the bar. The man sets the fishbowl on the stool, and the Octapus begins to play Beethoven's Ninth better than the composer himself ever did. The bartender, amazed, makes good on his bet. The man drinks himself into a stupor, collects the fishbowl and leaves. The next night he comes in and offers the bartender the same wager. The bartender, confident that the Octapus will never be able to repeat such a feat, accepts. He places a trumpet in front of the Octapus and, to his utter amazement, the Octapus begins to play it better than Louis Armstrong. The bartender once again makes good on his bet. The next night, sure enough, the guy shows up and offers the same bet. The bartender accepts and, chuckling, says that he was prepared for just such a situation, and he's come up with an instrument that the Octapus will never be able to play; the bagpipes. The Octapus studies the instrument for a good five minutes with an extremely puzzled look on his face. "What's the matter, can't you play it?" says the snickering bartender to the increasingly frustrated-looking Octapus. The Octapus looks up and says "Play it? Ha! As soon as I figure out how to get these stupid-looking plaid pajamas off, I'mma fuck it!"

Lady in labor, shouting the usual shit, "get this out of me, give me the drugs."
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "you did this to me you fucker."
He replies casually, "if you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said fuck off, it'll be too painful."

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

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I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a man hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just taking a shit."

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Woman walks into a shop and buys 1 egg, 1 bottle of milk and 1 sausage, the shopkeeper asks - "You're single, arent you?"
"Yes" She replies "How could you tell?"
"Because you're an Ugly cunt!!"

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Q: Why don't women need watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her as an alter boy!

I have a crippled friend that tried Viagra once. He didn't get a boner, but he could walk for the next six hours....