Guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk,"I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle."

Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?

Inventor: A fottle.

Clerk: That's a silly name, can you think of something else?

Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton.

Clerk: And what do you call that?

Inventor: A farton.

Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name.

Inventor: Gee, you're not going to be impressed with my folding bucket.




Did you hear that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer? Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.


Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams..."What the heck was that!!?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

One day Phil is driving to work when he suddenly hears a loud voice....

"QUIT YOUR JOB, SELL YOUR HOUSE AND EVERYTHING, THEN GO TO VEGAS"

Thinking it's a prank he ignores the voice. The next day at breakfast he hears the voice again....

"QUIT YOUR JOB, SELL YOUR HOUSE AND EVERYTHING, THEN GO TO VEGAS"

Still not believing he again ignores the voice and go to work. The next morning in the shower the voice booms louder...

"QUIT YOUR JOB, SELL YOUR HOUSE AND EVERYTHING, THEN GO TO VEGAS. NOW!"

This time Phil listens to the voice, quits his job then sells the house and all of his belongings then buys a one-way ticket to Vegas. As soon as the plane lands and he has his bag he hears the voice again...

"GO TO HARRAH'S"

He immediately hails a cab and tells the driver to go to Harrah's. As they arrive he gets out and walks in the door. He hears the voice again...

"GO TO THE ROULETTE TABLE"

So Phil heads to the roulette table, cashes in all of his money for chips then waits...

"PUT IT ALL ON NUMBER 17"

So he does. The dealer says good luck, spins the wheel, and sets the ball in motion. Nervously Phil waits as the wheel and ball go round and round, slowing with each pass. Finally the ball bounces around and finally settles on a number.... 21.

'"DAMN!"

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: How many queers does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

Q: Why do woman have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week.
They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her tongue was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " A bit sour."


A redneck takes his 13 year old daughter to the Gynecologist. The Dr asks if she is sexually active! The redneck replies, "No she just lies there like her mother!"

Q: What's blue and fucks grannies?
A: Me in my lucky blue suit.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: About 30 pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

Orland Bloom wakes up one morning and walks into his bathroom. The instant he looks into his mirror he starts getting sexually aroused. He brushes it aside and goes along with his day.
Throughout the day, he realizes that whenever he looks into a mirror, he gets extremely horny. Scared that he might have contracted some sort of disease or disorder, so he goes to his doctor.
"Doc, it may sound weird but whenever I look into a mirror I get turned on! Whats wrong with me?!"
Thinking for a second, the doctor responds.
"Ahhh, I know why. It's 'cause YOU'RE A PUSSY!"

LOL - That's a good one!

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every
once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that
said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And your single. Just let it go.."

But then another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
your a fucking vet, you pervert.

---------------------------------------------------------------

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy
is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent
lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you.
This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute, he asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. so I told him where to find it.
Be strong, Darling. I love you, too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it's like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went looking for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"AND..." pried the doctor.
"Well, that's was when I made my mistake...I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses..."This one here looks like yours!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is siting next to a woman on an airplane, right after they take off the man sneezes
than he pulls down his pants and wipes sperm off his cock, onto a tissue.
the woman sitting next to him gives him a discusted look, this happens a few more times she can't take it any more.
she yells at him why the hell don't you go to the bathroom to play with yourself, you fucking pervert.
he answers I’m sorry but I have this medical condition, every time I sneeze I ejaculate.
so she asks him are you taking anything for it.
yes he says, pepper.

Apologies in advance
 

Slighty racist, so apologies in advance...

A Zebra dies, and arrives at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the zebra, although they don't allow animals in heaven, he may ask God one question. To his amazement the zebra can now talk, he tells St Peter, Ok. The zebra is ushered through the gates, walks down a short path and meets God. God asks, "What is thy question" The Zebra asks, "Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?" To which God replies, "You are what you are". With that the zebra finds himself in front of St Peter again. St Peter asks, "Did he answer your question"? The zebra replies, "Sort of", while recounting his encounter with God to St Peter. "But I don't understand what he meant" said the zebra. St Peter tells him "You are white with black stripes", the zebra asks, "How do you know that"? St Peter says, "Because he didn't say, You is what you is".

More pedophile jokes (and more)
 

Q: What's the difference between acne and a pedophile?
A: Acne waits till your 12 before it comes on your face

Q: What's better than getting a blowjob from an 8-year old?
A: Nothing

Q: What's the best part about fucking a 3-year-old girl?
A: Turning her over and fucking her like a 3-year-old boy

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and [name]'s mom?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball

Q: What's the difference between crabs and [insert someone's name] mom?
A: Crabs don't have [name]'s mom

Q: What happens when a Cuban gets a flat tire?
A: He drowns

Q: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes little boys

Q: What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Corduroy

Q: Why can't Helen Keller have kids?
A: Because she's dead

Here's a bunch of good ones that aren't what you would think, over at Something Awful from a while ago:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/come...-realistic.php

Emo Jokes
 

Q.How many emo's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry about it.

Q.How many emo kids does it take to paint a wall?
A.Depends on how hard you throw them

Q.What's better than 50 emo kids nailed to a tree?
A.One emo kid nailed to fifty trees.

Q.how many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.3,One to replace it, & two to write a poem about how they miss the old one

Q.did you hear about that new emo pizza???
A.It cuts itself!

Q.If a blonde and an emo kid jump off a building and hit the ground at the same time, who dies first?
A.The blonde, she drowns in the emo kid's tears.

Q.What's the difference between an Emo kid and a dead baby?
A.The baby doesn't cry.

Q.What do you call an emo kid outside the mall?
A.Anything he'll cry no matter what you do.

Q.What's emo's favourite film?
A.Suicider-Man 2

Q.How do you get an emo down from a tree?
A.cut the rope!!