LOL - I like this one!!

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1- The bartender is a blonde girl.
2- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3- I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"












.

Short ones ...
 

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.

What should you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use lubricant.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

What's red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.

How do epileptics go on a diet?
Shake in the morning, shake for lunch and a proper meal in the evening.

those are great

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila. The bartender pours them up and puts them on a tray for the man to take back to a group. Instead the man shoots all 6 shots one after the other. The bar tender freaks out and says "Man I have never seen anyone shoot tequila like that in here before. Whats the big occasion?" The man replaies "I got my first blow job today" The bartender starts getting all excited and tells the man "Congratulations buddy, the first blow job is always a big occasion. Here's a free shot on the house."

The man replies "No thanks. If 6 shots didn't get the taste out of my mouth, 7 won't either." :D

A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The owner runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the owner.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes back to the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is again out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it up sticks it up his ass,and then eats it.
The owner having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his ass and ate it," the owner tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

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Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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A girl is watching her father shower.

She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"

He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

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What has eight legs and makes women scream?

Gang rape!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

^^^loved that one...

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."